PS 3515 
.fll7 W7 
1922 
Copy 1 



Wrecking 
Robert's Budget 



-BY- 



EUGENE HAFER 







PRICE 35 CENTS 



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Franklin, Ohio bs^ Denver, Colo. 

944 So. Logan Street 



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Wrecking Robert's Budget 



A Comedy-Drama in 3 Acts 



By EUGENE HAFER 



PRICE 35 CENTS 

Copyright, 1922, Eldridge Entertainment House. 



PUBLISHED BY 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 

FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO 



?5S^;^1 



NOTICE .f^^'^oT-^ 



\^ 



Terms of Royalty 

This play is protected by copyright and the rights 
of presentation are given only upon compliance with the 
following conditions : 

Royalty for one performance - - $10.00 

Royalty for two performances - - $15.00 

Each performance thereafter - - - $5.00 
Royalty payable before performance. 



Cast of Characters 

Robert Quentin 

Kent Varnaday 

Larry Brentley 

Freddie Foster 

K. K. Keedon 

Oscar -------- Butler 

Bowers - - - »*•.•- - - - Butler 

Martha Alden .,.••• 

Betty Compton 

Joanna Compton - - - Betty's Sixteen 

Year-Old Sister 
Mrs. Alden - - - - Mother of Martha 



Act I. Room in the Compton Home, New York City. 
Act II. Library in home of Betty Compton's aunt, 

Atlantic City. 
Act III. Scene 1. Same as Act I. 

Scene 2. Living Room in the Alden Cottage 

in the country. 
Time— The Present. ©CI.D (33216 

DEC 30 '?2 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



ACT I. 

Scene : Room in home of Betty Compton, Netv York 
City, beautifully and extravagantly furnished. Doors, 
Right, Right Center, Left and Left Center. Handsome 
piano down left. Large couch doivn center slightly to 
left. Fireplace right, but not in use. Telephone on the 
stand right of door L. C Large easy chair Right. Oth- 
er furniture may be used as necessary to fill out. Rich 
carpet on the floor. Handsome busts on Tnantel. This 
room should convey the impi'ession of tasteful opulence. 

Time: Afternoon, early part of May. 

(As curtain rises, Betty is discovered at the piano, 
dressed in a beautiful afternoon goivn, softly lingering 
over the last notes of a moody classic. Kent Vamaday is 
standing beside her. As the last notes softly die away, 
Betty drops her hands and sits for a feio moments in 
moody silence.) 

Kent— (softly) Tired, Betty? 

Betty — Yes. (Another moody silence.) 

Kent — Betty, why don't you end this supsense for 
all of us ? Its hard on you, and terribly hard on me. 

Betty — (Tired) (Places hand affectionately on 
Kent's arm.) I know, Kent. It's brutal. 

Kent — ^Then will you not end it for all of us? 

Betty — (Drops her hand lifelessly) Kent, I can't. 
I'm afraid to make the decision. 

Kent — (bending over her passionately) Betty, let 
me decide for you. I know you care for me a little. Won't 
you marry me? 

"Betty — (rises listlessly, tvalks over to couch C, and 
sits) Kent, I can't. 

3 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Kent — (standing beside couch; hopelessly) Be- 
cause — there is someone else? 

Betty — Yes. 

Kent — (bitterly) Bob Quentin? 

Betty — (softly) Yes. 

Kent — (bitterly) Then why don't you marry him? 

Betty — Because — I can't. 

Kent — Can't! Betty Compton can't! The acknowl- 
edged leader of New York society, whose favor thousands 
have sought, including men of world renown, she can't 
many Bob Quentin. 

Betty^ — (tired) Kent, you — you don't understand. 

Kent — He's been paying violent court to you for 
the past year. 

Betty — Sit down, Kent, and I'll tell you all about it. 
(Kent sits beside her. Pause.) How much would you 
estimate Bob Quentin's income per year? 

Kent — Approximately three thousand dollars. 

Betty — And what do you suppose my monthly ex- 
penditures total? 

Kent — Roughly, a couple of thousand dollars. 

Betty — And do you suppose a girl, who has been ac- 
customed to spending twenty-five or thirty thousand dol- 
lars a year, could happily adjust herself to an incoma of 
three thousand, regardless of how madly in love she 
might be? (Pause.) Tell me, Kent, your honest opin- 
ion. 

Kent— But it wouldn't be necessary for you to do 
that. You have your fortune. 

Betty- — (bitterly) So we've succeeded in fooling 
you, too, Kent? 

Kent — What do you mean? 

Betty— I mean that Betty Compton can not afford 
to marry for love. 

Kent — (quickly) Betty, you surely don't mean — 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Betty — Yes, I'm the most colossal farce in New 
York. Father's fortune at the present time doesn't equal 
fifteen thousand dollars. 

Kent — (horrified) Betty, I — I can't believe it. 

Betty — (bitterly) Oh, it's true enough. Father 
lost most of the money six months ago on the stock mar- 
ket. Even this place is mortgaged to the last cent. I've 
had to reduce the servant force. Only last week I dis- 
charged my social secretary and engaged another who 
was willing to work for considerably less. My butler is 
a country lout who never before saw the inside of a 
drawing room. 

Kent — (dazed) Betty, I — I don't know what to 
say. 

Betty — Under the circumstances, do you still think 
I could afford to marry Bob Quentin? (Pause.) Tell me, 
Kent? 

Kent — (evasively) They say love lives happiest in a 
hovel. 

Setty — Do you think I could live happily in a hovel 
— on three thousand a year? (Kent does not answer.) 
You know I couldn't, Kent, I just couldn't. 

Kent — (thoughtfully) How long do you estimate 
you can continue in your present mode of life? 

Betty — Six months at the very most. 

Kent — And if no solution presents itself by that 
time — 

Betty — Then — I'll have to marry for money. 
(Pav^e.) Kent, would you still want me, knowing that 
it was your fortune I was after? 

Kent — (softly) I'll want you forever, Betty. And 
some day, perhaps you'll find you want me. 

(Enter Oscar L. C. Althoiigh faultlessly attired in 
butler costume, he presents an awkward, uncouth ap- 
pearance. He brings cards to Betty, then stands aivk- 
ivardly tvaiting for further orders.) 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Betty — {reading cards) Freddie Foster and Larry 

Brentley. (Kent rises. Betty places a restraining hand 

on his arm.) Don't go, Kent, it's only those foolish boys. 

Kent — You'll excuse me, Betty. I'm not in the 

mood for frivolity. I'll talk to your father for awhile. 

Betty — (rises listlesshj) Neither am I. I'll go in 
with you to father and send Joanna in to entertain Fred- 
die and Larry. Show them in, Oscar. (Exit Oscar L. C) 
Kent, it's terribly hard being a society favorite, knowing 
that you're a fraud. 

Kent — (sympathetically) I know, Betty. But don't 
give up yet. Some day your ship will come in. Bob 
Quentin's prospects are not as bad as most people sup- 
pose. I understand he has an uncle in this world some- 
where, who is many times a millionaire. Who knows but 
that some day he will inherit one of those millions. 
[Kent and Betty move toivard door R. C.) 
Betty — (repaying him tvith a brave smile) That 
was good of you, Kent. 

(Exeunt Betty and Kent, R. C.) 
(Enter Oscar L. C, eagerly followed by Larry with 
a large bouquet of flowers. He advances quickly to the 
center of room. Look of disappointment overspreads his 
face ivhen he sees Betty is not present.) 

OscAR: — (bluntly) Miss Compton will be here in a 
few minutes. (Exit L. C.) 

(Larry goes to couch C, and sits very stiffly, hold- 
ing flowers rigidly in front of him. Short pause and Os- 
car re-enters L. C, followed by Freddie, also ivith large 
bouquet of floivers. Oscar exits L. C. Freddie comes 
down stage eagerly looking for Betty. When he sees 
Larry, he stops short in mingled disgust and disa/ppeint- 
ment.) 

Freddie — (peevishly) You here again ! ! 
Larry — (turns stiffly. Irritably) Aw-w — 
Freddie — Do you have to be hanging around every 
time I come t© see Betty? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Larry — (still holding stiff posture) Well, who was 
here first? Any person with common sense would see at 
once that he's intruding ,and take the hint and leave. 

Freddie — (sarcastically) And leave Betty to be 
tortured by you the rest of the afternoon? What a girl 
like Betty wants is elevating and instructive entertain- 
ment. 

Larry — (sarcastically) About the only thing your 
talk could elevate is a gas balloon. 

(Freddie sits beside Larry stiffly. Like Larry, he 
holds bouquet rigidly in front of him. Pause.) 

Freddie — Well, where is Betty? 

Larry — She probably heard you coming and ducked 
out of the back door. 

Freddie — I suppose you're here for your weekly pro- 
posal. How many times has she refused you so far? 
Twenty or thirty times? 

Larry — I'm just ten proposals behind you. 

(Voice is heard off stage R. C. Larry and Freddie 
jump to their feet and hurry to door R. C. They wait 
eagerly for Betty to enter, Larry on one side of door and 
Freddie on the other.) 

(Enter Joanna, a sprightly girl of sixteen. As soon 
as she enters door R. C, Larry and Freddie, thinking her 
Betty, quickly force their bouquets into her arms, so that 
her face is partly covered. Each take her by an arm and 
eagerly lead her down stage to couch, both talking ra/p^ 
idly.) 

Freddie — Betty, I haven't seen you since — 
Larry— Betty, you're looking lovelier — 
(Joanna removes floivers from her face, and stands 
laughing at the tivo. Larry and Freddie stop short in 
surprise.) 

Larry and Freddie — (in disgusted chorus) Joan- 
na! (Both sit doiun and Joanna bounces in between 
them.) 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Joanna — {eagerly) Oh, what nice boys you are get- 
ting to be. And do you really think I ajn getting loveU^r 
every day? Lovelier than Betty? Now, you know you 
said it. (Shaking finger at the boys.) 

Larry — (with jyoor grace) Ah, we thought you 
were Betty. (Starts to rise.) 

Freddie — (with equally poor grace) Isn't Betty 
home? (Also starts to rise.) 

Joanna — (restrains them) Wait. Betty sent me 
in to entertain you until she comes. So be seated, gen- 
tlemen, and proceed to be entertained. (Freddie and 
Larry both sit with poor grace.) Isn't this a lovely day? 

Larry — (irritably) I think it's rotten. 

Joanna — (reprovingly) Infraction number one of 
the golden rule of etiquette: whenever a lady makes a 
statement, gentlemen should always agree with her. 

Freddie — (pointedly) Infraction number two: chil- 
dren should be seen, not heard. 

(Joanna rises ftiriously to her feet, throws bouquets 
violently to floor, walks haughtily up stage L. Then she 
turns.) 

Joanna — (scathingly) Well, if childhood were de- 
termined by brains and sense, you'd be twins in swad- 
dling clothes. (Stars for door L. C.) 

(Enter Robert Quentin, a handsomely dressed young 
fellow of about twenty-seven, eagerly. As soon as she 
sees him, Joanna runs over to him with a cry of delight^ 
and takes both his hands in hers.) 

Robert — (heartily) Well, well, Joanna. How's lit- 
tle Merry Sunshine today? 

Larry — (snorts) Here comes another one. 

Joanna — (poutingly) Oh, Bob, I'm so glad you 
came. I've just been insulted — terribly insulted. 

Robert — (pretending to be shocked) Insulted! 
Somebody insulted my little Sunshine. Just show me 
the man — 



Wreckinfj Robert's Budget 



Joanna — Oh, but Bob, it wasn't a man. It was just 
Freddie. 

(Robert laughs heartily. Freddie look^ extremely 
sheepish.) 

Robert — Well, suppose we call it an even break. By 
the v/ay, Larry, I saw something queer a few moments 
ago. I thought I saw somebody going down the street in 
your car. 

Larry — {jnynps tip in dismay) My Dodge? (Hur- 
ries out door L. C.) 

Robert — Freddie, is that your car standing about 
fifty feet down the avenue? 

Freddie — Yes, what about it? 

Robert — Oh, nothing. I just thought it appeared to 
be on fire. 

Freddie — (jumps to feet in disinay) My Ford!! 
(Exit frantically L. C. Robert and Joanna look at one 
another and grin.) 

Joanna — (laughing) Oh, Bob, what did you do 
to their cars? 

Robert — Drove Larry's Dodge around the corner, 
and put a match to a pile of dried grass about ten feet 
on the other side of Freddie's Ford. From a distance it 
looks honest to goodness like a car on fire. Where's Bet- 
ty today? 

Joanna — She'll be in presently. She sent me in to 
entertain you until she comes. 

Robert — (leads Joanna to couch and sits by her) 
Well, suppose we go fifty-fifty on the entertainment fea- 
ture? You -entertain me and Fll entertain you. Now, 
you entertain me first. 

Joanna — (pleased) All right. (But shakes a 
warning finger at him.) But if I say it's a lovely day, 
it's not fair to say (imitating Larry) "I think it's rot- 
ten." 

Robert — (gallantly) Of course not. If you say it's 



10 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

a lovely day, then it is a lovely day, no matter what kind 
of a day it is. 

Joanna — Bob, I believe I'll marry you some day. 
Now I'll begin my entertainment, (Impressively.) Betty 
has the most wonderful social secretary you ever met in 
all your life. 

Robert — (duly impressed) You don't say. 

Joanna — (nods head gravely) Um-huh. She's a 
country girl, and last Wednesday night her mother be- 
came ill. (Wrinkles forehead impressively.) You know 
how it stormed last Wednesday night. Well, in all that 
storm she had to go away (gesture) out into the country 
to see her mother. Her name is Martha Alden. If I were 
a man she's the kind of girl I'd want to marry. 

Robert — This is getting interesting. 

Joanna — (looks around impressively and cautious- 
ly) And listen, Bob. (Robert appears deeply impressed.) 
You mustn't tell this to a soul, what I'm going to tell 
you now. 

Robert — (Impressed) Cross my heart. 

Joanna — (in a loud cautious whisper) Our but- 
ler's in love with her. 

Robert — (suppressing his amusement) That awk- 
ward lout that let me in? 

Joanna — Yes. (Mysteriously.) One day this week 
I caught him talking to her roughly and (very impress- 
ively) she was crying. I think she knew him before he 
ever came here and doesn't want to have anything to do 
with him. (Looks tip quickly at Robert.) Am I enter- 
taining you? 

Robert — Wonderfully. Now, is it my turn? 

Joanna — Yes. (Eagerly.) Tell me some secrets. 
(Sitddenly.) Did you ever propose to a girl? Tell me 
about that. You know it's nice to have the experience. 

Robert — Well, I make it a point to propose to Betty 
twice a week, and (rue f idly) Betty makes it a point to 
turn me down twice a week. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 11 

Joanna — (with a sigh) Just think of all the pro- 
posals going to waste. 

Robert — But, Joanna, it isn't my fault. Betty ivill 
say "no." 

Joanna — (ruminating) And just think of all the 
girls who would be so glad to have them. Wouldn't it be 
nice if all the proposals could be distributed around a 
little more evenly so everybody would get one? 

Robert — (in mock dismay) Well, now — I don't 
know. (Suddenly.) Suppose you suggest that to Fred- 
die and Larry. 

Joanna — But Bob, you're forgetting. It's your 
turn to entertain me. You know — secrets. 

Robert — Secrets it is. (Looks around with mock 
caution.) Listen — last Wednesday night, I met the 
storm gorl. 

Joanna — (wide-eyed) The storm girl! 

Robert — {impressively) Um-hum. I was travel- 
ing a new route a hundred miles or so west of here, 
when I happened to pass a lonely railroad station. It 
was raining oceans. As my lights cast a glare over the 
platform, I saw a girl signalling for me to stop. (BoV 
pauses.) 

Joanna — (eagerly) Yes, yes, go on. 

Robert — I stopped and the girl waded out to the 
car and begged me to take her home as her mother was 
sick. (Reminiscently.) Jove, Joanna, I wish you could 
have seen the piteous tear-stained face she turned up to 
me when she asked me to take her home. 

Joanna — (imde-eyed in her interest) Was she 
pretty ? 

Robert — I don't suppose she would be considered 
as beautiful as Betty or some other girls I know; but 
there was something so sweet and appealing about her. 
So I helped her into the car and after a fifteen-minute 
ride through the mud, we finally reached her home, 



12 Wrecking Robert's Bridget 

where we found her mother much improved, and the doc- 
ter in charge. 

Joanna— And you don't know her name? 

Robert — No. 

Joanna — {thoughtfully) I wish I could see your 
stonn girl. {Voices off L. C) Oh, there come Freddie 
and Larry back. {Joanna and Robert rise.) Before you 
go in to Betty, I must show you my new hat. {Plead- 
ingly.) You'll look at it, won't you, Bob? 

Robert — {gallantly) Joanna, if there is anything 
in this world I love to look at, it's girls' hats, 

(Exeunt Robert and Joanna, L.) 

{Enter Freddie and Larry, L. C, violently; furious- 
ly angry over the trick Bob used to clear the field for 
himself.) 

Larry — ( a7ig rily ) Gone ! 
Freddie— That is what I call a mean trick! 
(Enter Oscar R. C.) 

Oscar — (bluntly) Miss Compton says you can 
come in the library. 

{Exeunt Freddie and Larry, quickly, R. C.) 

{Enter Martha, a gentle, siueet-tempered girl of 21, 
dressed simply, yet tastefidly. She has a letter in her 
hand, and comes half way doivn stage, looking for Betty, 
then starts for door R. C.) 

Oscar — Martha. 

Martha — {stops and turns; quietly) Yes? 

Oscar — {coming to her side) You ain't give me an 
answer yet. 

Martha — {distressed) Mr. Heitman, why do you 
continue to bother me? Haven't I told you, time and 
time again, that I cannot accept your attentions? 

Oscar — When we lived out in the country you used 
to go out with me. 

Martha — Only once — and we were children then. 
{Pleadingly.) Please don't annoy me further. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 13 



Oscar — {stubbornhj) And did you think I came to 
New York to be a butler because I liked it? No; I came 
so's I could be near you — so I could see you every day. 

Martha — {looking around, frightened) Mr. Heit- 
man, you must not — you must not talk to me like that. 

Oscar — {obstinately) Martha, I git off tonight. 
Let's go out to a show or something. 

Martha — {distressed) I have told you beiors — I 
cannot go with you. - 

Oscar — (angrily) So you've become such a fine lady 
now, you can't be bothered with your old iriondd any 
more. ^iVell, don t forget we still hold that thousand dol- 
lar note against your ma's home. Maybe you won't feel 
so high and mighty when I get Pa to turn your ma out. 

Martha — {Turns quickly; frightened) Mr. Heit- 
man, you wouldn't — you surely couldn't do that? 

Oscar — (sneeringly) Oh, couldn't I? Maybe you 
don't know your ma ain't paid the interest on that note? 
Martha — {pUeously) Oh, but you know Mother 
has been so sick. All I make is needed to pay the doctor 
bills. As soon as Mother is well again, you know we'll 
pay you. {Looks up at him tearfuUy.) You know we 
will. 

{Enter Robert and Joanna L. They stop in dconoay 
in surprise.) 

Oscar — I don't know nothing of the kind. But I 
put a proposition up to you. You can either take it or 
leave it. Shall v/e put your mother out, or will you and 
me keep steady company? 

Martha — {piteously) Oh, I can't — I can't. 
O&cxYi— {angrily) All right, Miss High-and-Mighty. 
We'll see how different you feel when you find your ma 
goin' to the poorhouse. I'll write to Pa tonight. ^Turns 
to leave.) 

{Robert comes down stage L.) 

Robert — Just a minute, Butler. {Martha and Os- 



14 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

car turn quickly. Martha colors violently then starts as 
she recognizes Robert. Robert stops suddenly dum- 
founded, as he sees her face, then comes quickly to her 
side, wide-eyed with astonishment.) Why — my storm 
girl! 

{Martha turns slightly away from him. Drops her 
head ashamed.) 

Robert — {turns savagely to Oscar.) What do you 
mean, Butler, by talking that way to this girl? {He ad- 
vances threateningly upon Oscar, who retreats.) 

Martha — {Throivs herself in front of Robert. Ap- 
pealingly.) Please — please don't make a scene here on 
my account. 

Robert — {hotly) But he needs a darned good thresh- 
ing. 

Martha — It will only make matters worse. Please, 
for my sake. 

Robert — I wish you'd let me take just one good 
punch at him. {To Oscar.) Butler, this is the second 
time you have been seen annoying this lady. The next 
time this occurs you will settle with me. Now, get out ! 

{Oscar stoically goes out L. C.) 

Joanna — {quickly) Martha, that horrible man! 
I'll have Father discharge him at once. 

Martha — Please, Joanna, don't. You don't under- 
stand. I'm sure it will not happen again. Please forget 
about it. 

Robert — {in sw^prise) Martha? {To Joanna.) Jo- 
anna, is this your Martha? 

JoannA: — Why, of course. Who else could it be? 
Miss Alden, allow me to introduce Mr. Quentin. 

Robert — Why, Joanna, this is my storm-girl. 

Joanna — {Looks from one to the other in astonish- 
ment) Martha! Your storm-girl! 

Robert — {Laughs, mimicking Joanna) Why, of 
course. Who else could it be? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 15 

Joanna — Martha, is this true? 

Martha — (embdrrassed) Mr. Quentin took me 
home one night last week in the. storm, if that is what 
you mean. 

Joanna — (Looks from one to the other; hands on 
hips) Well, I'll be jiggered! 

Robert — {to Martha) Miss Alden, you don't know 
what a wonderful surprise this is for me. I called my- 
self all kinds of names after I left you that night, for 
not learning your name. I hope your mother is improved. 

Martha — She is still under the doctor's care, al- 
though much improved. I — I don't know what you must 
think of me for stopping you, a total stranger, and mak- 
ing you take me home. 

Joanna — Oh, Martha, he liked it. Do you know he 
told me all about it — how beautiful you were, and {tor- 
mentingly, laughing at Bob.) Oh, Martha, you ought to 
hear what else he said about you. 

Robert — (panic-stricken) Joanna, that was a se- 
cret. Remember, you promised. 

(Enter Oscar, L. C, followed by Keedon. Keedon 
is a gueer looking character, small and shrivelled, with 
a canstant tendency to peer over, instead of through his 
glasses.) 

Oscar— Mr. K. K. Keedon. (Exit.) 

(Robert, Martha and Joanna look at Keedon in sur- 
prise, as he conies doivn stage toward them.) 

Joanna — (advances to meet Keedon) Do you wish 
to see Father? He's in the library. 

Keedon— (Peers at her over glasses) Well, now, 
that all depends. If your father happens to be Mr. Rob- 
ert Quentin, then I reckon I want to see your father. 

Joanna — (laughs, indicating Robert) This is Mr. 
Quentin. But he does not have the mortification of be- 
ing my father. 

Keedon — (looking Robert over critically and dis- 



16 Wrecki7ig Robert's Budget 

apprGvingly) Humph! So you are Robert Quentin, eh? 

Robert — (humbly) My apologies, sir. The dis- 
tinction was thrust upon me at a time when I was incap- 
able of protest. 

Keedon— Young feller, I have a matter of great 
moment to discuss with you. I must see you privately 
for a few moments. 

Robert — Then why not see me at my apartment. 
This place — 

Joanna — {interrupting) You may use this room, 
Robert. Martha and I will go in to Betty. 

Robert — (protesting) But I didn't come here to 
talk business. I came here — 

Joanna — (starting for door R. C, with Martha) 
We'll tell Betty you have been detained and will be in 
shortly. (Exeunt Martha and Joanna, R. C.) 

Robert — (assenting ivith poor grace) All right. 
(Drops on couch. Sits up suddenly.) Say, you aren't a 
representative of that country constable I knocked down 
last week with my car? I tell you it was all his fault. 
What business did he have trying to stop me when I was 
coming in to see Betty? 

Keedon — (faking several documents from pocket) 
Just hold your horses, i ain't a representative of any 
constable. Although I haven't the slightest doubt you 
ought to be in jail for whatever it was. You've got all 
the earmarks of a criminal. 

Robert — (relieved) Remarkably clever man. Did 
you ever run for president? 

Keedon — Now, we'll get down to business. But, 
first (sarcastically) if you have no objections, I'll take a 
chair. 

Robert — Help yourself. They don't belong to me. 
By the way, what did you say your name is? 

Keedon — I didn't say. But it happens to be K. K. 
Keedon. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 17 

Robert — (7)iusingbj) Wonderful possibilities in 
that name. Just suppose you signed a letter K. K. K. — 
Ku Klux Klan. Did you ever think of that? And then, 
have you ever thought of the horrible possibility of 
someone getting that Keedon backwards? Just reflect 
upon the result^ — Kee-don — Donkee. 

Keedon — Asinine characteristics in name might be 
considered by some preferable to asinine qualities of 
mentality. You don't understand that of course, but it 
means that a donkey name is better than a donkey 
brain. (Unfolds papers.) Shall I read these to you, or 
shall I give you the gist of them? 

Robert — Let me see them. (Keedon hands thein to 
him. He lueighs them in his hands, sighs, then hands 
them hack to Keedon.) Don't read them. 

Keedon — (sarcastically) Then, if I may have your 
valuable attention for a few minutes, I'll try to explain 
what these papers represent. Young feller, against my 
advice, your Uncle Josephus J. Quentin has had the bad 
judgment to confer quite a sum of money upon you. 

Robert — (suddenly sits vp and takes notice) Say 
that again. 

Keedon — I merely mentioned that your uncle had 
the extremely poor judgment to confer a sum of money 
upon you. 

Robert — ■{rising quickly) Money! Me! 

Keedon — Exactly. If you feel that you're going to 
faint, please let me know in advance. 

Robert— -((Za2;erf) How — how much money? 

Keedon — One hundred thousand dollars. 

Ror.ERT — (stares sttipidhj at Keedon, passes hand 
over forehead, feels unsteadily for arm of conch, then 
dazedly sinks doivn on couch) One hundred thousand 
dollars ! 

Keedon — (ivith sarcasm) If you don't hear good, 
you'd better get an ear trumpet. 



18 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Robert — {weakly) Keedon — I — think — I'm going 
to faint, 

Keedon — Faint away. I've got other news for you 
that I calculate will bring you to. 

Robert — {faintly) Keedon, did you say — one hun- 
dred thousand dollars ? 

Keedon — You got it right the first time. Are you 
ready for the rest of it? 

Robert — {still faintly) One hundred thousand dol- 
lars! Keedon, you know I didn't mean what I said about 
your name: Ku Klux Klan, and Donkey and all that. I 
think you've got a beautiful name. 

Keedon — {sarcastically) You do, eh? I might cas- 
ually mention there is a string tied to that hundred thou- 
sand dollars before you get it. 

Robert — {loith a sigh) 1 knew it couldn't last. 

Keedon — Are you ready for the string? 

Robert — Let her go. 

Keedon — Your uncle was always a great disciple of 
the doctrine of thrift. Young man, that was how he 
amassed the fortune he has today. Through tireless ef- 
fort and consistent saving, he — 

Robert — Never mind the sermon. Let's have the 
string. 

Keedon — I'm of the opinion, young man, that a ser- 
mon would do you no harm. Well, your uncle makes the 
conveyance of the hundred thousand dollars conditional. 
And the condition is that you save one thousand dollars 
within the next six months. 

Robert — {stunned) One thousand dollars! One — 

Keedon — Not so good, eh? 

Robert — {unbelieving) You mean he expects me 
to save a hundred and sixty-five dollars a month for the 
next six months? 

Keedon — A hundred and sixty-six dollars, sixty-six 
and two-thirds cents, to be exact. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 19 

Robert — (rises hopelesshj) Keedon, it can't be done. 
Keedon — Floored you, eh? How much do you make 
a month? 

Robert — (in disgust) Two hundred and fifty dol- 
lars. 

Keedon — Two-fifty. Well, that would still leave you 
eighty-three dollars. 

Robert — (shouts) Eighty-three dollars! Great 
Scott, man, the rent of my apartment alone amounts to 
eighty dollars per month. 

Keedon — (easily) Then I reckon you'll have to 
leave your apartment. 

Robert — (savagely) I'll be hanged if I do. Are 
there any restrictions on how I get the money? 

Keedon — Well, you'lll have to be able to prove that 
the money is yours; that it is not borrowed and that it 
is not hypothecated. 

Robert — Who thought of all those confounded con- 
ditions? 

Keedon — (boivs maliciovMy) Your venerable uncle 
inserted them at my humble suggestion. 

Robert — (glares at him) At your suggestion. Kee- 
don, I meant every word I said about that name of yours. 

Keedon — Neither has my opinion change^ on closer 
acquaintance regarding your brain. Well, what are you 
going to do — accept or reject? Of course, you'll fail. 

'Robert^ (savagely) Keedon, I'd like to win, just 
to fool you. 

Keedon — irises) Perhaps you would like to ponder 
over this matter at your leisure. 

Robert — No, I'll make a decision right now. Of 
course, there's only one decision to make. (Glumly) I 
couldn't save a thousand dollars in a thousand years. 

Keedon — Then, the answer is "not accepted"? 

Robert — (/peevishly) " Wait a minute. Can't I have 
a little time? (Paces back and forth glumly.) 



20 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

(Enter Martha, R. C. Crosses to door L. C.) 
Robert — {quickly) Oh, Miss Alden. {Martha stops 
and turns inquiringly.) (To Keedon.) There's no con- 
founded clause in there restricting me from taking some- 
one into my confidence? 

Keedon — None at all. You may announce it from 
the housetops if you wish. 

Robert — Miss Alden, I'm in a dickens of a pinch. 
{Martha comes down stage and takes position between 
Keedon and Robert.) Won't you give me some advice? 

Martha — {modestly) I'm afraid any advice from 
me would not be very helpful. 

Robert — Miss Alden, this is Mr. Keedon. {Keedon 
bows and looks her over critically. Martha bows. Rob- 
ert, disconsolate.) Miss Alden, do you think it humanly 
possible for a man to live in New York on eighty-three 
dollars per month? 

Martha — {thoughtfully) I live on less than that. 

Robert — {unbelieving) You live in New York, on 
less than eighty dollars a month? 

Martha — Why, yes. Many girls working in the 
factories and department stores are compelled to live 
on much less than that. 

Keedon — {sarcastically) And they don't have a 
hundred thousand dollar incentive to inspire them either. 

Robert — (eagerly to Martha) Do you think / could 
live on eighty-three dollars a month? 

Martha — Yes. 

Robert — You really think I could? 

Martha — There is no doubt about it, if you go 
about it right. 

(Robert paces back and forth several times quickly 
endeavoring to make a decision. Suddenly he stops and 
faces Keedon.) 

Robert — Keedon, I'm going to try it. 

Keedon — (sarcastically) You're going to try it? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 21 



Young- f slier, anybody with real backbone wouldn't try 
it, he'd do it. Young feller, you're going to fail. 

Robert — {irritatabhj) For heaven's sake, Keedon, 
don't be so devilishly encouraging. Don't you think I 
know it? 

Keedon — I want you to come to this address next 
Tuesday morning at nine, and we'll go over this thing 
more thoroughly. {Hands Robert card.) 

Robert — When do these six months of torture be- 
gin? 

Keedon — ^Right away. {Turns to leave.) 

Robert — Say, Keedon, there isn't a possible chance 
of your getting that crank of an uncle of mine to change 
those conditions, is there? 

Keedon — {turns) Well, now, I might psrsuade 
him to raise the amount you're to save from one thou- 
sand to two thousand. 

Robert — {glocmily) You needn't bother. 

{Exit Keedon L. C. As soon as Keedon is out, Rob- 
ert turns quickly to Martha. The action from this point 
should be fast.) 

Robert — (quickly) Miss Alden when Alexander 
set out to conquer the world he thought he had a big job 
ahead of him. Alexander's job couldn't hold a candle to 
the one I have. 

Martha — {smiling) You aren't inclined to exag- 
geration, are you, Mr, Quentin? 

Robert — Not a bit. That fellow, Keedon, is a rep- 
resentative of- an uncle of mine who has so much money 
that it keeps a factory busy manufacturing sacks to keep 
the interest in. Well, this uncle of mine has seen fit to 
convey a hundred thousand dollars of this money to me — 

Martha — {quickly; awed) One hundred thousand 
dollars ! 

Robert — {wryly) Wait. You haven't heard all of it. 
He tied a string to the conveyance, namely, that I would 



22 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

have to save one thousand dollars in the next six months. 
Just think of it. (Pathetically.) I, who haven't saved 
one dollar in twenty-seven years, should save a thousand 
dollars in six months. (Drops on couch ivith head be- 
tween hands.) 

Martha — (qidckly) Oh, but you can do it. You 
must do it. Just think — one hundred thousand dollars! 
You would be independent for life. 

Robert — (disconsolately) Just think of me living 
for six months on eighty-three dollars per month. Why, 
board and room alone will amount to more than that. 

Martha — Oh, no. I have heard of people who pay 
no more than forty dollars a month for board and room. 

Robert — So have I — in novels. But, granting that, 
that would leave me only forty-three dollars for other 
expenses. Why, I spend that much for flowers. 

Martha — But a hundred thousand dollars in six 
months! You would be making almost seventeen thou- 
sand dollars a month. 

ROBERT: — It would be worth seventeen thousand dol- 
lars to me to live on eighty-three dollars a month. 

Martha — (earnestly) You think it hard because 
you have never tried it. Just because you have been in 
the habit of spending two hundred and fifty or three hun- 
dred dollars per month is no reason why you should not 
be able to live on very much less. And six months will 
pass away quickly. 

i^OBERT — I'll pass away before the six months will. 
(Pause. Rises.) That fellow, Keedon, suggested that 
string. Do you know, I don't like that fellow. 

Martha — Before you make a hasty decision, why 
not talk to someone who is more familiar with living ex- 
penses in New York than I am? (Suddenly.) Why not 
speak to Mr. Varnaday? 

Robert — Kent! With the two or three million dol- 
lar fortune that he owns? He knows as much about liv- 
ing on eighty-three dollars a month as a street car con- 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 23 

ductor knows about courtesy. 

jMartha — But he may be able to help you. He is in 
the librarj' now. Why not go in and ask him? It will 
surely do no harm. 

Robert — (thinks quickly for a moment) You're 
right. Kent may be able to help me. If you'll excuse me 
I'll go right in and talk to him. 

Martha — Yes, please go right away. 

(Exit RoheH hurnedly R. C) 

(Enter Joanna, R.) 

Martha — (quickly) Oh, Joanna, has Mr. Quentin 
told you the news? 

Joanna — (quickly) What news? 

Martha — (doubtfully) Perhaps he intended that 
I should keep it a secret. 

Joanna — (Takes Martha by hand and pulls her 
down to couch.) Now, Martha, you just must tell me. 
(Puts arm affectionately around Marth-a.) You know Bob 
wouldn't care if I knew. 

Martha — No, I don't think he would. You were 
here when that queer old man came in, were you not? 
{Joanna nods.) Well, that old man brought Mr. Quentin 
news that he would receive one hundred thousand dollars 
from his uncle, provided he would save one thousand dol- 
lars in six months. 

Joanna — (surprised) One hundred thousand dol- 
lars ! 

Martha — Yes, but in order to save that one thou- 
sand dollars, it will be necessarj^ for him to live on eigh- 
ty-three dollars per month. 

Joanna — (laughs) Eighty dollars per month! Bob 
Quentin live on eighty dollars per month! {Laughs 
heartily.) Oh, Martha, this is too good. 

Martha — (doubtfully) I suppose it will be hard for 
him. 

Joanna — (suddenly sitting up straight on couch) 



24 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Martha, if Bob Quentin wins that hundred thousand dol- 
lars, Betty will marry him. 

Martha — (looking doivn) I — I thought of that. 

Joanna— (rises determinedly) Then, I'm going 
to try to keep Bob from winning it. 

Martha — (Rises suddenly) Joanna! 

Joanna — If Bob Quentin is not good enough for 
Betty without a fortune, he's not good enough for her 
with a fortune. If Betty hasn't the courage to marry a 
poor man whom she loves, she should not have him at all. 
And I'm going to make it my pe;rsonal business to see 
that Bob Quentin does not win that money. 

Martha — But just think, Joanna, a hundred thou- 
sand dollars! 

Joanna — I don't care if it's a hundred million. Are 
you going to help me, Martha? 

Martha — No. I've already promised to help him. 

Joanna — You want to see him marry Betty? 

Martha — Yes, if— if he wishes to. 

Joanna — (stubbornly) Well, I don't. I like Bob, 
and I love Betty. But I have other plans for both of 
them; so there! Martha, Betty would like to see you in 
the drawing room. 

Martha — (starting for door R. C.) Joanna, I wish 
I had not told you. (Exeunt Martha and Joanna R. C.) 

(Enter Kent and Robert, R., quickly.) 

Robert — (talking excitedly) There's only one earth- 
ly way in which it can be done, and that's by saving a 
hundred and sixty-six dollars and sixty-six cents per 
month. 

Kent — (sitting on couch C.) How much do you 
save now? 

Robert — Save? Kent, I haven't saved a dollar in 
twenty-seven years. Once about three years ago, I did 
put fifty dollars in a bank — a week later, the bank closed 
its doors from the shock. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 25 

Kent — You have no other income? 

Robert — ^No, but there are plenty of expenses. I'll 
tell you frankly, Kent, I don't think it can be done. 

Kent — But, if you should succeed — think of the re- 
ward : one hundred thousand dollars ! 

Robert- — ivjryhj) Yes, think of living for six 
months on" eighty-three dollars per month. Think of eat- 
ing pork and beans for six months. 

Kent — There is only one way to go about this thing 
right, in order to insure success, and that is to make a 
budget. 

Robert — {reminiscently) I made a budget once. It 
was a wonderful budget. I kept it up a whole month. 
That month I spent only a hundred dollars more than I 
usually spend. 

Kent — Lend me your pencil and note book. We'll 
have to begin with beard and lodging. Kov; much do you 
pay for lodging now? 

Robert — Eighty dollars per month, and I'll be 
hanged if I give it up. 

Kent — Tomorrow you go and find a place where 
they will feed and house you for forty dollars per month. 

Robert — Good. I'll start vvith the Waldorf. It will 
be splendid exercise for the bouncers. 

Kent — Car fare and noonday lunch — ten dollars per 
month. 

Robert — Pardon me, Kent, but I eat every day. 

Kent — Clothes — ^I suppose you have enough suits on 
hand to run you over six months. 'vVe'U make it twelve 
dollars a month. 

Robert — That ought to buy a couple of dandy neck- 
ties. 

Kent — Car fare — five dollars per month. 

Robert — (wildly) Kent, do I have to lide in street 
cars? I quit right now. 

Kent — Miscellaneous expenses, as theaters, tobac- 



26 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

CO, confections, flowers for Betty, taxicabs, toilet articles, 
etc., — fifty cents per day. 

Robert — Ye gods! What am I going to do with all 
my money? 

Kent — Which makes a grand total of eighty-two 
dollars. Add three cents per day to miscellaneous, and 
your budget is complete. 

Robert — (fervently) Kent, old boy, you should 
have been a financier. Now, if you will tell me how any 
living soul can follow that budget, you're a genius. 

Kent — Very simple. Don't spend any more than 
the budget calls for, and you're safe. 

Robert — (Takes note book from Kent. Looks over 
items. Reads.) Theaters, confections, flowers, taxicabs, 
toilet articles, etc., fifty-three cents per day. Don't you 
think we might cut down on that? I'm afraid I'll be 
spending money foolishly. 

Kent — Of course, you can't expect to have a wild 
party every week, or take girls to the theater every other 
night. 

Robert — Why not? I've got to spend that fifty- 
three cents somehow. 

Kent — What do you pay for your cigarettes? 

Robert — Fifty cents a pack. 

Kent — You'd better begin smoking the fifteen cent 
variety tomorrow. 

Robert — I'll be hanged if I do! Before I smoke 
fifteen-cent cigarettes for six months, there'll have to be 
a bigger incentive than a hundred thousand dollars. 

Kent — Now that your budget is complete, when are 
you going to begin? 

Robert — Right away. Might as well discover that 
it can't be done now as later. By the way, Kent. Sup- 
pose I spend my whole month's miscellaneous in one ev- 
ening — what will I do then? 

Kent — Then no cigarettes, no theaters, no taxis, no 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 27 

girls for a whole month. 

{Enter Betty R. C) 

Betty — {coming doivn stage and joining Kent and 
Robert. Reprovingly) Robert Quentin, do you know 
you've neglected me all afternoon? 

Robert — {penitently) I'm sorry, Betty, but you 
know nothing short of flood or cyclone could keep me 
away from you. Today it was a cyclone. {Kent and Rob- 
ert make way for Betty, who sits betioeen them on the 
couch. Kent starts to rise; Betty lays restraining hand 
on his arm.) 

Betty — {reprovingly) Want to leave me so soon, 
Kent, after you've left me to the mercy of those boys for 
half an hour? Come — tell me what matters of state you 
were deciding as I came in. 

Kent — {rvith mock seriousness) We were just dis- 
cussing whether you were prettier yesterday than today, 
or today than yesterday. I contended that you are pret- 
tier today — 

Robert — And my contention was that tomorrow you 
will be prettier than either today or yesterday. And that 
day after tomorrow — 

Betty — {laughs) And so on ad infinitum. You've 
redeemed yourselves beautifully. Now, what was the 
real topic of conversation? 

Kent^ — Merely idle gossip. Bob and I disagreed on 
what it costs a man to live nowadays. Betty, what- do 
think is the least a man can live on today? 

Betty — ^thoughtfully) Well, I can't imagine any- 
one living on less than two hundred dollars a month. 

Robert — {facetiously) Tra-lee-la-la. {Aside.) 

That's what T call a smart girl. 

Kent — But you must admit there are many people 
living on fifty, sixty and seventy dollars a month. 

Betty — {in horror) Fifty dollars a month. Why, 
that wouldn't keep me in shoes. 



28 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Kent— Nevertheless, there are people in this world 
that do it. 

Robert — {facetiously) And do you know how they 
do it? They make a budget. And they spend fifty-three 
cents a day for miscellaneous — theaters, parties, ice 
cream, candy, et cetera. 

Betty — Those people don't live — they exist. 

Robert — And after about six months they cease to 
exist. 

Kent — But those people get used to it. Of course, 
it would be hard for one of us. 

Robert— I say it will be hard. 

Betty^ — I've read that the Chinese live on three or 
four cents a day. 

Robert — The next time I get my laundry I'm going 
to have a talk with that Chinaman. 

Betty — But it must be horrible to live like that. 
Just imagine, eveiy time you'd wish to spend five dol- 
lars — 

Robert — Betty, a fellow who makes sixty dollars a 
month doesn't think of spending five dollars — at least not 
all at once. The best he can do is fifty-three cents. 

Betty — You seem to know a lot about it, Bob. 

Kent — He'll know a lot more about it, six months 
from now. 

Robert — And they eat doughnuts and coffee for 
breakfast; and beans and prunes for lunch; and coffee 
and doughnuts for supper. Their idea of a spendthrift 
is a fellow who goes to the movies twice a month. They 
wear one suit three years, and then won't speak to the 
man they bought it from, because it didn't last four. And 
they wear celluloid collars to save a ten-cent laundry bill. 

Betty — (shudders) And they do that year after 
year? 

Robert — Oh, no — they go mad after six months. 
Those who don't go mad jump in the river. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 29 



Kent — Oh, they become accustomed to it. But it 
would be hard for one of us to do it. Just think, sup- 
pose you had to ride in a street car every time you 
wished to go anywhere. (Bob looks rather dismayed.) 
Suppose you had to shine your own shoes; and shave 
yourself; live in a tiny room with a wash stand and a 
bed a foot too short; (Bob's expression is pathetic.) 
Suppose, whan you wanted to entertain your lady friends 
of an evening, you'd have to take them to a ten-cent mov- 
ie instead of a ten-dollar opera. 

Robert — {pathetically) Kent, will I — I mean do 
they really have to do that? 

Kent — {tormentingly) Of course. 

Robert — But, whom would I — I mean whom do they 
find who'll go to a ten-cent movie with them? 

Kent— Oh, there are any number of girls who work 
in prune and pickle factories who consider a movie the 
wildest kind of a diversion. 

{Enter Martha, quickly, R. C. She advances down 
stage io left of couch.) 

Martha — {nervously) Mr. Quentin, could I — ■ 
could I see you for just a moment? 

Robert — (rises quickly, excuses himself and comes 
quickly over to Martha. Their whole di<ilogue is aside.) 
Miss Alden, what is the trouble? Has that butler been 
annoying you again? 

Martha — {distressed) Mr. Quentin, I hope you 
won't be angry. I'm afraid I've done something that is 
going to make it terribly hard for you to win that money. 

Robert — Never mind. It couldn't be any harder 
than it was before. What is it? 

Martha — Joanna and I tell each other everything 
that happens. Without thinking that you might wish to 
keep this matter a secret, I confided the whole story to 
her. 

Robert — (relieved) Oh, is that all? 

Martha — No, you haven't heard the worst part. Jo- 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



anna then promptly told me that she is going to use ev- 
ery effort to make you loss the money. 

Robert — (surprised) Joanna? (Laughs.) She 
was only joking. 

Martha — Oh, no, she wasn't. She was in earnest. 

Robert — What in the world has come over the 
child? 

Martha — (hesitating) You won't mind if I tell 
you? 

Robert — Of course not. 

Martha — Joanna thinks that you are trying to win 
that money so that Miss Compton will accept you. 

Robert — And so she is going to keep me from win- 
ning the money? 

Martha — Yes. She has told Mr. Foster and Mr. 
Brentley the whole story: that if you win the money it 
will hurt their chances with Miss Compton. Now they 
are devising ways and means to make you spend money. 

Robert — (taken aback) Freddie and Larry! Whew! 

Martha — (distressed) Oh, but I'm so soriy. 

ROBERT: — (gently) Never mind, ^iss Alden. I 
couldn't have won anyhow. 

Martha — But you are — ^you are going to try? 

Robert — (looking down at her) Do you want me 
to? 

Martha — Oh, so much. And I want you to win. 

Robert — You want me to marry Betty? 

Martha — (looking doivn) I want you to win. 

Robert — Then I will try. And I'll try to win. 

(Enter Joanna, Freddie and Larry R. C, talking 
eagerly together in an undertone.) 

Joanna — (to Freddie and Larry) Yes, I'm sure we 
would like to go to a theatre tonight. (To all.) What do 
the rest of you say? 

Kent — Yes, I'll go, if it's agreeable to Betty. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 31 



Betty — (reprovingly) Joanna, is this your sugges- 
tion? 

Freddie — (hastily) No, no! My suggestion en- 
tirely. I want all of you to go with me. 

Joanna — But we can't do that, Freddie. Robert 
asked us last week to go to the theatre with him one 
night this week. So I'm afraid he'd feel slighted if we 
don't go with him. 

Robert— (Agr/iasO Me! (Martha looks distressed.) 
Frebbie— (Offhandedly) Oh, if that's the case, of 
course, I don't want to deprive Robert of the pleasure. 
Robert — (panic-stricken) But — but — I — you see — 
Larry — By George, Bob, you're a real sport. I sug- 
gest we go to the Vanderbilt. 

Joanna — (Aside, quickly to Larry) No, no. That 
doesn't cost enough. (Aloiid.) There's a wonderful 
show on at the Morosco. (Stveetly.) Don't you think 
we might get a box there, Robert? 

Robert— (Aside;- dazed.) Box! Fifty dollars! 
(Aloud, hastily.) No, no! We can't go there. Boxes all 
sold out, and besides the show is awful — ^and — and — ■ 

Freddie — (feigtiing mild surprise) Boxes all sold 
out! Why, who told you that? I called them up this 
morning, and they told me they had plenty of good boxes 
left. 

Betty— Why Bob, Marcia Witherston told me the 
play is wonderful. 

Larry — (airily) Best thing that ever came to New 
York, so Frank Lake told me. 

Bob — (Fiery red 2vith cmharrasrasent) But Har- 
vey Donnelly told me it was awful. He could hardly sit 
through it. (Tugs at collar in nervous confusion.) 

Joanna — (sweetly) And after the show. Bob, shall 
we go somewhere and have lunch? 

Betty — (reprovingly) Joanna, what has come over 
you? 



32 Wrecking Robert's Bitdget 

Freddie — Why, of course, the evening wouldn't be 
complete without the lunch. 

Larry — I suggest we go to Delmonico's after the 
show. 

Robert — {Aside, pathetically to Martha.) Box, fifty- 
dollars! Lunch, twenty dollars! {Takes notebook from 
pocket and looks at it pathetically.) Miscellaneous, fifty- 
three cents! 

Martha — {aside, to Bob, in keen distress) Mr. 
Quentin, you must think of some excuse. 

Robert — {Aside; dismally.) I — I can't think. 

Joanna — {siveetly, to Robert) Are these arrange- 
ments satisfactory to you, Robert? 

Robert — {Gulps tragically) Oh, yes — yes, of course. 
Those arrangements are — lovely. 

Kent — {coming 'heroically to the rescue.) Bob, it 
seems to me, you told me you had some other engagement 
for this evening. 

Joanna — {quickly) Other engagement? Why, 
Bob told me yesterday he had nothing on for tonight. 

Martha — {lying valiantly) Why, Mr. Quentin, 
don't you remember you promised to meet that funny old 
man who was here to see you this afternoon? 

Robert — {clutching convulsively at the straiu she 
has thro7vn him.) Ku Klux. That's it. I've an appoint- 
ment with Ku Klux tonight. ( With almost painful sigh 
of relief.) 

Betty — Robert, are you a member of the Ku Klux 
Klan? 

Freddie — See here, Bob, what's the idea of this? 
You know you don't belong to the Ku Klux Klan. 

Robert — {excitedly) Ku Klux isn't a Klan. Ku 
Klux is a man. Don't you see? He was here this after- 
noon. Important business. Wants me to meet him to- 
night. Wants me to meet him about — {Stops, unable to 
think of good excuse.) 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 33 

JoANNA^ — {Pouting) Bob, I think it's horrid of you 
to have an engagement for tonight, just when we had 
everything so nicely planned. 

Larry — Tomorrow night will do just as well for 
your Ku Klux — 

Robert — {.Lying valiantly) Oh, but this is a matter 
of life and death — you see — {Stops. Turns frantically 
to Martha. Aside.) Miss Alden, can't you think of 
some life and death excuse for me? 

Martha — {quickly) Didn't he mention something 
about your aunt dying? 

Robert — {eagerly) Yes, yes. That's it. Aunt Car- 
oline's dying. She wants to leave me her onion farm. 
She may be dead by tomorrow, and then {tragically) just 
think ! What would become of all those onions ! 

CURTAIN 



ACT II. 

Scene: Library in fashionable home of Betty Comp- 
ton's aunt, in Atlantic City. Door Right, Right Center, 
Left and Left Center. Fireplace L. ivith log fire burn- 
ing. \Vi7idoivs with rich curtains in rear flat. Settee in 
front of fireplace. Library table C, with books and mag- 
azines. Table lamp on table C. Comfortable arm chair 
R. Bookcases around ivalls. Statuettes and other bric- 
a-brac as necessary. Telephone stand with phone Right 
of ivindoivs. Footstool R. Other furniture may be used 
to fill in. -Hoivever, the effect of ivealth and refinement 
should be preserved throughout. 

Time: Five months later. Evening. 

{Discovered. Freddie and Larry in evening dress, 
smoking cigars, both evidently disturbed about some- 
thing.) 

Freddie — -I can't help what the girls think. I've got 
to get away from here somxehow. 



34 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Larry — I claim Bob Quentin showed rare sense and 
judgment when he refused to accompany this wild par- 
ty to Betty's aunt, for the week-end at Atlantic City. I've 
spent more money in two days than I ordinarily spend in 
a month. 

Freddie — (desperately) But we've got to figure 
some way of backing out of this scrape. Charity Ball 
tonight, and I v/ith nine dollars ! For heaven's sake, Lar- 
ry, can't you lend me some? 

Larry — (Rich sarcasm.) Lend you some. Lend you 
some! My entire earthly possessions at the present time 
equal exactly seven dollars and fifty cents. 

Freddie — (Drops into chair R., groani^ig) Seven 
dollars and fifty cents — and tommorrow ahead of us ! 

Larry — (gloomily) Never mind tomorrow. We'll 
never pull through the night. 

Freddie — (despairingly) Larn-, what is a charity 
bazaar ? 

Larry — It's something that a fellow with seven dol- 
lars and a half should stay away from. 

Freddie — And there's no earthly chance of getting 
by with it? 

Larry — (Condescendingly) My boy, seven dollars 
and a half wouldn't pay war tax on the waiters' tips. 

Freddie — (Rises. Walks miserably back and 
forth.) But we have to do something. If Bob Quentin 
could only see us now. Wouldn't he have the laugh on 
us for all of the money we've made him spend in the i)ast 
five months ? ^ 

Larry — Laugh! He had his laugh the night he man- 
ufactured that onion farm story. By the way, what hap- 
pened to that aunt of his? 

Freddie — (Glumly.) There was no aunt. I asked 
Bob a few days later how she was improving. He told 
me she had died. I sarcastically mentioned that he didn't 
seem to be shedding any tears about it. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 35 

Larry — What did he say then? 

Freddie — That there will be enough tears shed 
when he begins to handle all the onions. 

Larry — (Chuckles.) Well we scored a dozen or two 
times on him since. He must be over a hundred, dollars 
short in his budget by now. 

Freddie — Oh, if we could only have induced him to 
accompany this week-end party, he'd be five hundred dol- 
lars short by now! And Charity Bazaar tonight — (He 
throws up arms hopelessly.) Oh, that Charity Bazaar! 

Larry — (gloomily) That expresses my sentiments. 

Freddie — But we have to do something and we have 
to do it quickly. It's seven-thirty now. We'll be leaving 
in hall an hour. 

Larry — We might resurrect a sick grandmother, if 
you have any left. Mine did duty the last time I was 
broke. 

Freddie — (shakes head dubiously) It sounds bad. 

Larry — Have you any better to offer? (Freddie 
shakes head hopelessly.) Then come on. Let's get a tel- 
egram ready. (Exeunt Freddie and Larry L.) 

(Enter Joanna and Martha R. C, both in evening 
goums.) 

Joanna — (admiringly) Martha, you look perfectly 
lovely tonight. 

Martha — (pleased) Borrowed plumage always 
lends an added charm. (Martha sits on settee while 
Joanna perches on arm of settee.) 

Joanna^— Martha, did you make Robert stay in New 
York? 

Martha — Why, Joanna — 

Joanna — (Shakes finger at her accusingly.) Now, 
you know you did. You thought he would spend too 
much money. (Nods head ponderously.) I have an idea 
there are other people in this world besides myself who 
think Martha Alden perfection incarnate. 



36 Wreckmg Robett's Budget 

Martha — (chidinghj) Why, Joanna, you know Mr. 
Quentin is a suitor of Miss Compton. And you and he 
were such good friends, too, until you began your cam- 
paign to make him spend money. Some day he'll become 
real angry. 

Joanna — (Laughs merrily.) Poor Bob! We do 
make it terribly hard for him. But I up and told him 
some time ago that if he were trying to win that money 
just to make himself solid with Betty, I'd see to it that 
he lost it. He just laughed and asked me why I was so 
opposed to his marrying Betty. So I told him. And — 
{impressively) do you know what he did then? 

Martha — What did he do then? 

Joanna — (shocked) He grabbed me in his arms 
and kissed me. 

Martha — {trying to conceal her interest) But, Jo- 
anna, what — what did you tell him? 

Joanna — (Laughs gleefidly as she playfully pinches 
Martha's cheek anl jumps from the arm of the settee.) 
Oh, but don't you wish you knew? (Holds her hand to 
Martha's ear and tuhispers loudly.) It's a big secret. 
(Skips merrily from room through R. C.) 

(Enter Bowers hurriedly, R. C.) 

Bowers — (perturbed) Pardon me. Miss, but there's 
a man in overalls outside, who insists on coming in. 

Martha — (surprised) A man in overalls! Didn't 
he give his name? 

Bowers — No, Miss, but he says he knows you and 
insists on coming in. He looks like a crook to me. 

Martha — Show him in, but be near by in case I 
need you. (Exit Bowers R .C.) (Thought f idly.) Knows 
me? I wonder who that could be. 

(Enter Bowers R. C, followed by Robert, dressed in 
a new pair of soiled overalls, and carrying suitcase iii 
his hand. Robert comes in very quickly.) 

Martha — (breathlessly) Mr. Quentin! 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 37 



{Boivers ivatches Bob for several moments, then 
goes out R. C.) 

Robert — (dropping suitcase and coming quickly 
down stage C, with Martha. Looks quickly at doers R. 
and L.) Miss Alden, providence is with me. 

Martha — {staring at his clothes in astonishment) 
But — but tlio39 clothes ! 

Robert — {looking doivn quickly at his soiled over- 
alls and chuckling in amusement.) Oh, these? They're 
the very latest. Lots of people wearing them this season. 

Martha — {in a maze) But — how did you come? 
There are no trains at this time. 

Robert — (chuckling) I came with a friend of mine 
— a g-entleman of leisure— in a luxurious private box 
car. 

Martha — (in astonishment) You came — in a box 
car — with a tramp? 

Robert— (m hurt tone) With a gentleman travel- 
ing for his health. You see, it wasn't healthy for him 
to stay in the town he started from. He's in the banking 
business. Does most of his business about two or three 
o'clock in the morning. 

Martha— (distressed) But you shouldn't have 
come. You can't realize what an orgy of spending is 
taking place here. Five of your six m.onths have elapsed 
and you're a hundred dollars short. 

Robert— (Shouts triumphantbj.) Short! Short!! 
Miss Alden, I'm two hundred dollars ahead of my sched- 
ule. 

Martha- {Startled) Ahead of your schedule? 

ROV.ERT— (excitedly) Yes, listen. A short time ago 
cur company decided to put me on a commission basis 
instead of a regular salary. Yesterday, I accidentally 
heard of a movement on foot to build a large paper man- 
ufacturing plant in a town about thirty miles from here. 
I rushed over there on the next train and after any num- 
ber of heartbreaking disappointments managed to get in 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



touch with the promoters. And (shouts triumphantly) 
Miss Alden, I landed the contract for their lumber. 

Martha — {joyfully) You have their contract? 

Robert — {eagerly) You bet! Wired it in to the 
company this afternoon. My commission on this one 
sale will amount to three hundred dollars. 

Martha — {surprised) Three hundred dollars! 
{Eagerly.) Then you do still have a chance to win that 
hundred thousand? 

Robert — Chance! Miss Alden, I've already selected 
the bank in which I'm going to deposit it. 

Martha — Oh, that's wonderful! 

Robert — {%vith a fervent sigh of relief) You have 
no idea what a life I've led lately on account of that bud- 
get. I've eaten doughnuts for breakfast, doughnuts for 
lunch, and doughnuts for dinner. I've burned that bud- 
get seventeen times within the past month, only to go to 
the office the next morning and have our stenographer 
recopy it for me. But it's all over now. 

Martha — {anxiously) But Mr. Quentin, please 
don't go to the other extreme now. Don't forget there 
is still one whole month ahead of you. 

Robert — {ruefully) I'm not veiy likely to forget 
it. 

Martha- — You really shouldn't have come here this 
evening. You have no idea what this week-end is cast- 
ing these boys. Two hundred dollars will not go far here. 

Robert — (grins) Don't you worry about me, Miss 
Alden. I'm ahead of the game now, and I'm going to see 
to it that I stay ahead. But (looking doivn at his over- 
alls) I'm afraid I can't go to the bazaar in these. Will 
you tell me where the men's rooms are? 

Martha — But why did you come in those clothes? 

Robert — Well, there were no passenger trains un- 
til midnight, and box cars aren't the best thing in the 
world for suits. 

Martha — (ringing bell for servant) I'll have Bow- 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 39 

ers show you the way. Shall' I tell the rest that you have 
come? 

Robert — No, I want to surprise them. (Suddenly.) 
By the way, Miss Alden, you're going tonight, are you 
not? 

(Enter Boivers, quickly, R. C.) 

Martha — Yes, Joanna made me promise to go. 

Robert — Good old Joanna. I'll have to treat her 
for that. 

Bowers — (Comes doivn. Aside to Martha in loud 
whisper.) Shall I put him out, Miss? I thought he 
looked lik6 a crook, 

Martha — (Smiles.) This is one of Miss Compton's 
party. Bowers. Will you show him to a room? 

(Boivers looks astonished at Robert's clothes.) 

Bowers — One of Miss Compton's party? (Picks up 
Bob's suitcase suspiciously and starts for door L.) Very 
well, Miss. (Aside.) But I'll keep an eye on you, my 
fine bird. 

Robert — (grinning) Say, Bowers, you look like a 
man of intelligence. (Bowers stops inquiringly. Bob 
speaks in a loud whisper.) How would you like to help 
me crack the First National tonight? 

(Bowers drops suitcase in dismay, then hastily re- 
covers it and hurries out L., follotved by Bob chuckling 
audibly. Martha stands for a moment thinking, theni 
hurries out R.) 

(Enter Betty and Kent, R. C, engrossed in conver- 
sation.) 

Betty^— (handing Kent telegram) Read it, Kent. 
It's the best news I've had in six months. 

Kent — (reading telegram) "Have succeeded in 
selling notes to some unknown person through my bank 
for twenty-five thousand dollars. Also realized fifteen 
thousand dollars on other assets considered worthless. 
Love. Signed Dad." (Heartily.) Well, that is good 
news. 



40 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Betty — (sitting on settee in front of fireplace) Isn't 
it? And, do you know, Father didn't expect to realize 
over fifteen thousand on everything. 

(Enter Joanna R. C.) 

Joanna — (tuith mock apology) I hope I'm not in- 
terrupting a proposal. 

Kent — No danger, Jo. I've resigned myself to old 
bachelorhood. 

Joanna — Oh, you mustn't do that. Just think of 
all the girls in the world who would be glad to have you. 
(Poutingly.) Just think of me. Here am I, sixteen 
years old and have never been proposed to once. (Kent 
and Betty laugh.) 

Kent — (consolingly) Never mind, Jo. Your chance 
will come some day; then just think what a glorious 
time you'll have saying "no" to any number of proposals. 

Joanna — (With slight toss of head) Hm, I don't 
know. I've an idea I'd say "yes." 

(Enter Freddie and Larry, L., hurriedly.) 

Freddie — (quickly) Betty, I'm awfully sorry, but 
Larry and I will have to leave for New York at once. 

Betty — Leave? Why, Freddie, aren't you enjoying 
yourself? 

Larry — (tvith unnecessary emphasis) Oh, we're 
having a wonderful time. But Freddie just received a 
message saying that his grandmother had died suddenly. 

Freddie — And we wanted to attend the bazaar to- 
night so badly. You don't know how it hurts us to leave 
at this time. 

Betty- — But Larry, can't you stay? Is it necessary 
for you to leave, too? 

Larry — (hastily) Oh, yes; you see Freddie wants 
me to be best man — (Recovers himself frantically) — I 
mean — Freddie wants me to help in the funeral prepara- 
tions. 

Joanna — (mock innocence) Freddie, I didn't know 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 41 



you had a grandmother. 

Freddie— Why, of course. (Indignantly.) I've got 
two of them. 

Larry— (Aside.) That's the stuff. Always keep 
one grandmother in reserve. 

Kent— I'm afraid you'll not be able to go tonight. 
There are no more passenger trains until six in the 
morning. 

Freddie and Larry— (looking at each other in dis- 
may) What ! 

Kent — There is no way of getting to New York 
tonight. 

Larry — (nudging Freddie fiercely; aside) Think, 
man; think fast. 

Freddie— (hopefully) Maybe this afternoon's train 

is late. 

Bhtty I'm afraid not. I heard it whistling at the 

depot at the regular time. 

Joanna— (Aside, fervently) I'm in favor of hiring 
a special train . I'll pay for it. 

Freddie— (Aside to Larry, despairingly) For hea- 
ven's sake, man, can't you thing of something? 

Larky— (siiddenly) Autcmxbile! We'll hire an 

auto, 

Kent With tha roads in the condition tlicy are 

now, you would never be able to make it, especially at 
night. 

Larry— (Aside, hopelessly) I give up. 

(Enter Robert L., dressed in evening clothes.) 

Robert — (Cheerfully, coming down C.) Well, I'm 
all ready for the big bazaar. 

(Dramatic poAtse, then all turn suddenly in aston- 
ishment.) 

All — Bob Quentin! 

Robert — (Looks at watch calmly) It is a trifle ear- 
ly. But I didn't want to keep you w^aiting. 



42 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Joanna — Bob Quentin, how in the world did iiou 
ever get here? 

BettY: — (surprised) Why, Bob, what a pleasant 
surprise ! 

Kent — (sincerely) Well, this is a surprise. How 
did you ever get here? There are no trains at this time, 
and the roads are impassable. 

Robert — Came down in a private car with one of 
my banking friends. 

Betty — You came down in a private car with one 
of your banking friends and then didn't bring him with 
you? 

Joanna — Why, Bob, how could you? Why, those 
are the kind of people we want for the bazaar tonight. 
Plenty of money and not afraid to spend it. 

Freddie — (nudges Larry) Did you hear that? 

Robert — I wanted to, but you see he pleaded urgent 
banking business for this evening. But he has a habit 
of calling rather late. He may drop in later. (Aside.) 
But I hope not. 

Larry — Bob, is it true that the roads are in 
such condition that an auto can't pull through? 

Robert — Yes, that's why I came with my — er — my 
banking friend. Freddie, what's the matter with you? 
Liver or indigestion? 

ICent^ — (smiling) Freddie just received news that 
his grandmother has died in New York, and there's no 
way of getting there tonight. 

Robert — Well, that's too bad. (Winking at Kent.) 
By the way, Freddie, does your grandmother own an on- 
ion farm? 

(Kent chuckles; Joanna goes into silent convul- 
sions. Freddie and Larry glare murderously at Robert. 
Joanna runs quickly out R., to hide her amusement.) 

Betty — (Innocently) If your friend is returning 
to New York tonight, perhaps he could take Freddie and 
Larry with him. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 43 

Robert — I'm afraid he'll not be able to leave to- 
night. He may be unavoidably detained. 

{Freddie and Larry talk iri an undertone. Robert, 
Kent and Betty converse softly.) 

(Enter Martha and Joanna R. This dialogue should 
be a^ide.) 

Joanna — {gleefully) Martha, look — look (point- 
ing excitedly at Robert) whom Providence hath deliv- 
ered into the hands of the Philistines. 

Martha — (pleadingly) Joanna, you'll not — prom- 
ise you'll not make it hard for him. 

Joanna — (triumphantly) Oh, won't I? Won't I? 
And Charity Bazaar tonigjit! That onion farm story 
worked once, but it won't help him this time. (Glee- 
fully.) Oh, Martha, could anything have worked out 
better? 

Martha — (distressed) Joanna, if — if you make 
him spend more money than he ought to tonight, I'll — 
I'll never forgive you. 

Joanna — (with brazen ivink at Martha) Just — ■ 
watch — me. (Walks C.) 

(Robert leaves Betty and joins MoA^tha R.) 

Robert — Miss Alden, you seem worried about some- 
thing. 

Martha — (nervously) Joanna is up to something. 
Watch her. 

Joanna — (Perches on footstool. Addresses the 
room dramatically) My friends, if you will give me 
your kind and undivided attention for a few moments, I 
would like to make a few remarks. The management of 
the Charity Bazaar, which you are to grace with your 
charming presence this evening, has seen fit to appoint 
your humble servant a meimber of the committee for the 
solicitation of donations for the relief of the starving 
children of Europe. In view of the fact that in the rush 
to tonight's festivities, some of you may be slighted, so- 
licitations for donations will be started at once. Please 



44 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

have your bills ready when I come around. Thanking 
you one and all for your kind attention, I — (stuck) I 
Thanking you one and all for your kind attention, I — 
I— 

Kent — {grinning) Remain yours truly. {All 
laugh.) 

Joanna — {Laughs as she jumps from stool) Thank 
you, Kent. It would have been a shame to spoil that nice 
speech. Here I come. You're first, Kent. 

Kent — Name your own price. 

Joanna — Oh, twenty dollars will do for you. {Kent 
hands her bill.) 

Larry — {Aside to Freddie, glumly.) Here goes five 
dollars of that seven and a half. Why in thunder didn't 
you make that grandmother of yours die in any other 
section of the country besides New York. 

Freddie — {desperately) Two dollars and a half. 
Larry, we've got to get away from here somehow. Get 
sick — faint, die — do anything. 

Joanna— Betty, you're next. 

Betty — {Taking bill from, purse and handing to 
Joanna) But, Joanna, don't you think it rather bad 
fonn soliciting from people who might be considered our 
guests ? 

Joanna — (Calmly.) Oh, they don't mind. {Turn- 
ing.) Do you? 

All — Of course not. 

Freddie — (Aside, sarcastically) Oh, no, we don't 
mind. 

Larry — Oh, no; we like it. 

Joanna — (Coming over to Freddie and Larry) All 
right, Freddie and Larry, you're next. 

(Larry and Freddie look apoplectic as each hands 
her a five-dollar bill.) 

Joanna — Thank you. {Then triuynphantly she 
marches over to Robert, winks surreptitiously at Martha. 



Wrecking Robert's Bu dget 



45 



Inyiocevtly.) Mr. Quentin, would you cars to make a do- 
nation to the starving children of Europe? 

(Dramatic po^use. All eyes are turned upon Rob- 

Robert— (Preiewds embarrassment) iir— now 
much do you think I ought to give ? 

Joanna— Well, suppose wa say (suppressing a 
smile) ten dollars? 

Robert — {with hurt expression) Only ten dollars 
for as worthy a cause as that? Miss Compton, you may 
put me down for twenty-five dollars. 

( Thunderstruck pause.) 

(Tableau: Joanna stares at Robert thunderstruck; 
Martha looks distressed; Robert assumes ludicrously in- 
nocent expression; Freddie and Larry stare at each oth- 
er in astonishment; Kent is visibly amused and Betty is 
mystified.) 

Joanna- -( Co Jijinf/- out of daze) Hov/— how much 
did you say? 

HOBERT— (modes tly) Twenty-five dollars. But if 
that isn't enough I may be able to do better. (Hands bills 
to Joanna.) 

Joanna— TTa/res bills in a daze. Walks unsteadily 
to door R.) Excuse me, I'm— I'm not feeling very well. 
{Exit R.) 

Martha— (astic to Robert.) Oh, Mr. Quentin, you 
are becoming so reckless. You shouldn't have done that. 

Robert— (Aside, to MaHha) I knov/ it. But I 
-couldn't resist the temptation to even scores with Joanna. 
(Grins.) Did you see the expression on her face when 
I handed her that twenty-five? That was worth fifty.^ 

Martha Oh, tut you must be more careful m the 

future. I'll go in and console Joanna. [Exit R.) 

(Robert joins Betty and Kent in front of fireplace.) 

Freddie— (As2(fe, to Larry, dazed.) Did you see 
that? Twenty-five dollars! That fellow must have dis- 
covered a gold mine. 



46 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Larry — {Aside, to Freddie.) Or robbed a bank. 
Freddie, I'm convinced this is no place for a man with 
two dollars and fifty cents. 

{Betty and Kent are seated on settee. Bob stands 
left of settee.) 

Robert — What seems to be the main purpose of this 
affair tonight? 

Kent — To make everybody spend as much money as 
possible. 

Freddie — {Nudges Larry. Aside.) Did you get 
that? 

Larry — {Gloomily. Aside.) I'm not missing a 
thing. 

Betty — Harriet Wainwright is selling fancy work 
— of course, we'll have to patronize her booth. Georgia 
Sommers is a solicitor for something — of course we'll 
have to give her a donation. Tommy Orthwein has charge 
of some kind of a show — five dollars admission. Tommy 
will never forgive us if we don't go in there. Jane Ress- 
ler, Marcia Chadburn and Helen Forbes have booths. 

{Freddie and Larry sink dazedly into chairs R. Rob- 
ert squirms uneasily.) 

Robert — {Aside, ruefully.) Goodbye two hundred I 

Kent — By the way, what are you going to do, 
Betty? 

Betty — Sell chances on a Cadillac car — ten dollars a 
chance. I'll let each of you off with four or five chances. 

{Robert looks dazed. Freddie and Larry stare at 
each other blankly, hold ivhispered consultation, theni 
stealthily exeunt L.) 

Robert — {Aside) Whew! Martha was right; this 
is no place for me. 

{Enter Bowers R. C.) 

Bowers — Miss Compton, your aunt wishes to see 
you before you go. 

Betty — {Rises.) I'll go right in. {To Robert and 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 47 



Kent.) You'll excuse me? 

Kent — (Rises.) Certainly, but hurry back. (Betty 
laughs and goes out R. C.) {Kent sits again. Offers 
cigar to Robert.) 

Kent — Smoke, Bob? 

(Bob stands looking doivn into the fire.) 

Bob — No, thanks. Can't afford to get into the habit 
of using such luxuries, 

Kent — (Lights cigar; amused.) You seemed free 
enough with your money a few minutes ago — when you 
paralyzed Joanna with that twenty-fivs dollar donation. 

Robert — (Chuckles.) Grand stand play. I couldn't 
afford it, but it was too good to pass up (Reminiscent- 
ly.) Kent, you can't imagine what I've gone through 
within the past five months. (Pause.) Do you like dough- 
nuts? 

Kent — I hate them. 

Robert- -(SadZf/.) So do I. But I eat them. Did 
you know there are places you can buy a doughnut and 
a cup of coffee for a nickel? And before I started this 
budget, I thought the nickel had gone out of circulation. 

Kent— But why eat doughnuts? Your budget pro- 
vides for at least fair meals. 

Robert^ — I know. But what I save on meals I can 
spend on theater parties, etc. So I eat doughnuts. (He 
holds out foot.) Did you notice my shine? See any- 
thing wrong with it? 

Kent — (critically) Well, I wouldn't call that a 
first-class shine. 

Robert — (urryly) No, neither would I. I shined 
them myself. You save fifteen cents every time you 
shine your own shoes. That's four dollars and fifty cents 
a month — almost enough to buy one theater ticket. 

Kent — (amused) Some day, Bob, you'll be a great 
financier. 

Robert — Now, that I'm ahead of the budget I 



48 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

wouldn't have to shine them; but it has gotten to be a 
habit. (Looks at shoes, perplexed.) But, do you know 
I've been practicing for four months and I can't get 
them right. And I've hired dozens of bootblacks to show 
me how. I tell you, Kent, shining shoes is an -art. 

Kent — {Amused.) Well, keep at it, Bob. With 
about six months' more good practice, you may be able 
to go into business. 

Robert — (Looks doiV7i critically at crease in his 
trousers.) And the press in these trousers. (Doubt- 
fully.) Do they look all right to you, Kent? 

Kent — (regarding them quizzically) Well, now, 
they might pass. But if any valet did a job like that for 
me — well — (Leans hack on settee.) he'd look for anoth- 
er job. 

Robert — (dejectedly) They do look bad, don't they? 
(Sighs.) And I worked on those things for Qver an hour. 

Kent — Let me look at that budget of yours. Bob. 
Have you it with you? 

Robert — (Takes several papers from pocket. Hands 
Kent one.) Yes, I keep a supply of them. 

Kent — (Looking over schedule.) Room and board 
— forty dollars. Have you kept within that limit? . 

Robert — (ruefully) Yes, but I took a room with- 
out board. I thought I could save money by eating at 
the restaurants. That's why I eat — doughnuts. 

Kent — Necessity is the mother of invention. 

Robert — I wish you could see that room of mine. 
It's Mirandy's idea of what an art gallery should be. 
Grandpa Hiram looks disapprovingly at me from the 
north; Grandma Mathilda frowns on me from the south; 
Papa and Mamma Brown keep watch over me from the 
west. And from the east the glaringly colored admon- 
ition, "Save your money," greets my waking eye. (Sad- 
ly.) Kent, more than once have I dented that sign with 
a well-aimed shoe. 

Kent — (Reads.) Clothes — twelve dollars. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 49 

Robert — Twelve dollars doesn't buy socks and ties. 
But Mirandy darns my socks now, and I do without ties. 

Kent— Car fare — five dollars. Was that high 
enough? 

Robert — Oh, by walking to most of the places to 
which I had to go, I made it do. But my shoemaker is do- 
ing a flourishing business. 

KENT: — (Reads.) Miscellaneous — fifty-three cents. 

Robert — Kent, let's not talk about that miscellan- 
eous item. If there is anything in this world that will 
drive a man to drink, trying to keep his miscellaneous 
expenses within the fifty-three cent limit will do it. Since 
trying to do it I've exhausted the English language sup- 
ply of swear words and have invented forty or fifty new 
ones to fittingly express my opinion of it. 

Kent — (Laughs.) Well, all that's over now, since 
you're ahead of your schedule. 

Robert — Yes, if I don't spend all of it tonight. 
(Anxiously.) How much do you judge they'll hold me 
up for tonight? 

Kent — Well, if you get away from there with spend- 
ing less than two hundred dollars, you can consider your- 
self blessed with extraordinary luck. 

(Enter Martha R.) 

Robert — (disconsolately) But I can't afford to 
spend two hundred dollars. 

Kent — (rising) Miss Alden, will you keep Bob 
company? I'll go out and see what is detaining Betty. 
(Starts for door R. C. Turns.) If you want to please 
Bob, you might talk about his miscellaneous account. 
(Exit R. C.) 

Robert — I was just hoping you would come in. Miss 
Alden. 

Martha — But I'm afraid I've disturbed you and 
Mr. Varnaday. 

Robert — Oh, no. Kent has been waiting for an ex- 



50 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

cuse to go out and search for Betty. {Martha sits on 
settee. Robert sits beside her.) Miss Alden, won't you 
give me permission to call you Martha? 

Martha — (looking doivn into fire mcdestly) Why, 
yes, if you wish to. 

Robert — And will you call me Bob? 

Martha — Yes. {Pause.) 

Robert — You were right, Martha, I shouldn't have 
come here tonight. 

Martha — (anxiously) I'm afraid you will regret 
it. But I know all are glad that you have come. They'll 
have a so much better time. 

Robert— -iwrijly) Yes, Freddie and Larry and Jo- 
anna, especially. They'll probably have a glorious time. 
And the more I spend, the better time they will have. 

Martha — I didn't mean it that way. You know, 
Miss Compton, Mr. Varnaday and Joanna are pleased 
that you have come. 

Robert — Are they the only ones? 

Martha — (emban-assed) I don't understand you. 

Robert — I was hoping that you might be pleased. 

Martha — (with slightly heightened color) Mr. 
Quentin — I mean Bob, — I can hardly be classed a mem- 
ber of this party. I am a paid employe of Miss Compton. 

Robert — (Quickly; earnestly.) Martha, don't for 
a minute think that any one here regards you as such. 
Why, everybody's in love with you. 

Martha — (looking doton into the fire) Oh, every- 
one has been perfectly lovely to me. And I'm having such 
a wonderful time. I'm afraid it's too wonderful to last. 

Robert — You know I never could have won that 
hundred thousand dollars without your help. 

Martha — But you haven't won it yet. 

Robert — Oh, but I will. You can't realize how stingy 
I'm going to be within the next month. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 51 



Martha — (anxiously) But— tonight? I'm afraid, 
so afraid, that you will spend more than you should. 

Robert — (lota) Martha, why do you take such an 
interest in my winning that money? 

Martha— (softly) You and Miss Compton have 
been so good to me. You picked me up the night of the 
storm when I was nearly wild with fear for mother; and 
Miss Compton has always treated me like a guest in- 
stead of an employe. 

Robert — But why do you associate Betty with piy 
winning the money? 

Martha — (hesitating) Don't you know? 

Robert — No. 

Martha — (quietly) Everyone knows that as soon 
as you win the money you will marry Miss Compton. 

Robert — (startled) The devil — I mean — the dick- 
ens they do! 

Martha — Yes. 

Robert — And is that why you are so anxious to have 
me win? 

Martha — It will be little enough for all the favors 
you and Miss Compton have shown me. And Miss Comp- 
ton is such a wonderful girl. I've never met anyone like 
her in all my life. 

Robert — But Betty isn't in love with me. 

Martha — Oh, yes she is. She couldn't help it. (Con- 
fused.) I mean — she — I know she is. 

(Enter Boivers, R. C, with telegram.) 

Bowers — A telegram for Mr. Quentin. 

Robert — (Rises.) Probably congratulations from 
the company on that lumber order. I wired them I would 
be here. (Takes telegram from Boivers. Exit Bowers, 
R. C.) (Tears open envelope and reads. Look of horror 
and dismoAj overspreads his face.) 

Martha — (Rises anxiously.) Is something wrong? 



52 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Robert — (aghast) Martha, read that — read that, 
quickly. 

Martha — (Reads aloud.) "Upon examination of the 
credit standing of men at head of Harper Paper Com- 
pany, we find these men have poor rating. Cancel order 
until bond is furnished." (In dismay.) Does that mean — 

ROBERT: — (frantically) That I lose that sale and 
three hundred dollar commission. 

(The aetion throughout this dialogue should be 
fast.) 

Martha — (horrified) Oh, no, it can't — it must not 
mean that. You must go first thing in the morning and 
get the necessary bond. 

Robert — (tualking back and forth, quickly) It won't 
do. Before they'll furnish bond on their order they will 
buy from some other company. 

Martha — But something must be done. You are 
one hundred dollars short now — (hopelessly) and Char- 
ity Bazaar tonight. 

Robert — (dismally) And Charity Bazaar tonight! 
I'll do well if I get away from there with spending two 
hundred dollars. 

Martha — (keenly distressed) Two hundred dollars! 
Oh, you must not even think of that. 

(Robert ivalks ^mldly back and forth, then stops.) 
Robert — (pathetically) But what am I going to do? 
Betty is selling chances on a Ford or some kind of a car 
— ten dollars a chance. I'll have to take five chances at 
least. All of Betty's friends will be there and all of them 
will be selling something, from soup spoons to airplanes. 
I'm supposed to buy from all of them. 

Martha — Then make it a point to buy things that 
do not cost much. 

Robert — There'll not be anything at this bazaar like 
that. If we find anything that sells under five dollars, 
we'll be blessed with wonderful luck. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 53 

Martha — (frantically) And, Joanna will be there, 
too! 

Robert — Yes, and Joanna will be there. And Joanna 
will see to it that I'm introduced to all of her donation- 
seeking friends. And Freddie and Larry will introduce 
those that Joanna misses. Oh, I'm going to have a won- 
derful time. 

Martha — And you really think it will cost you two 
hundred dollars? 

Robert — At the very lowest. 

Martha — (quicJdy) Then you must not go tonight. 

Robert — What ! 

MARTHA^We must think of some excuse to keep 
you away. Get sick; have a relative die; important bus- 
iness engagement — anything. Only we must think fast. 

Robert — (Walks excitedly back and forth, thinking 
fast. Finally, hopelessly.) It won't do. I'm never sick. 
I haven't any relatives, and business engagements would- 
n't work. I'm afraid I'll have to face the music. 

Martha — (determinedly) No, no! There is too 
much at stake. You must get away from here somehow, 
no matter what they think. 

Robert— I can't think. You suggest something. I'll 
do anything you say. 

Martha — ^You must leave without telling any of the 
others. And you must leave at once. I'll arrange some 
sort of excuse for you. 

ROBERT--^But there are no more trains tonight. 

Martha — Then you must go as you came. 

Robert — (staggered) You mean by freight? 

Martha — Yes, yes, any way. Only please go at once 
before it is too late. 

(Enter Joanna, Betty and Kent, R. C.) 

Joanna — Oh, Martha, Bob, you should see the won- 
derful scarf that Aunt Marie is donating to the bazaar 
tonight. They're going to sell it at the fancy goods 



54 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

stand tonight. 

Betty — {Comes down with Kent and Joanna.) Don't 
you think it absurd, Kent, to sell that scarf for only two 
hundred dollars? 

{Phone rings. Joanna answers it in undertone.) 

Robert — {Aside.) Great Caesar's Ghost — two hun- 
dred dollars! 

Kent — Yes, that is cheap. Miss Alden, did you 
properly entertain Bob while I was out? 

Martha — Yes. Mr. Quentin and I were talking 
about what a wonderful time we're expecting at the ba- 
zaar tonight. 

Robert — Yes, we're expecting to have — a wonderful 
time. 

Betty — I'm so glad you're going with us tonight, 
Martha. And you look so lovely. 

Joanna — (Replaces receiver. Calls from phone.) 
That was Harriet Wainwright. Wanted to know when 
we intend to start. Georgie Sommers and Tommy Orth- 
wein were at the phone with her. {Comes doivn.) Bob, 
they were tickled to death to hear that you had arrived. 

Robert — (aghast) Joanna, good heavens, you did- 
n't tell them I would be there? 

Joanna — Why, of course. Harriet said she had a 
wonderful piece of fancy work that she is reserving for 
you tonight. (Robert and Martha look at each other in 
dismay.) Georgia Sommers wants you to start her do- 
nation list, because you have always given her such large 
donations. I told her you had given me twenty-five, so 
Georgia expects you to head her list with that amount, 
too. (Bob looks stunned.) 

Kent — (amused) And I met Tommy this after- 
noon. He was so disappointed when he heard you hadn't 
come with us. But now that you are here, he'll expect 
you to take the whole party in to see his show or he'll be 
off of you for life. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 55 

Betty — And Lucy Hudson has a five-pound box of 
candy that she is holding- for you — only ten dollars, she 
told me. Since your time is going to be so monopolized 
tonight, Bob, don't you think I had better sell you some 
chances on my car now? 

Robert — {frantically) Oh, no, not now. You have- 
n't your book with you — and anyway, you're the first I'll 
patronize tonight. I'll take as many chances as you want 
me to; I'll take them all, only not now. (Wipes perspir- 
ation from forehead.) 

Kent — (Smiles, amused. Looks at watch.) Don't 
you think it about time for us to start? 

Betty — Yes. (Looks around.) Is everyone ready? 

Robert — (Aside to Martha.) Only Providence can 
save me now. 

Martha — (Aside, quickly.) Don't go out with the 
others. Let them go first. It's your only chance. 

Joanna — Where are Freddie and Larrie? 

Kent — They'll probably be down in a minute. Let's 
go. 

Betty — (starting for door R. C.) Come on Martha. 

Martha — I'll be out in just a minute. (Exeunt all, 
except Martha and Robert. To Robert.) Now, go. Go 
quickly. I'll try to think of some excuse. 

Robert — (fervently) Miss Alden, if this thing 
works, I'll give you half of that hundred thousand. (Exit 
quickly L. Martha presses button that turns out part 
of the lights and then hurries out R. C.) 

(Enter Bowers quickly, L. and then hurries out R. 
C. He reappears in a moment with Joanna.) 

Joanna — What is it. Bowers? 

Bowers — (in loud frightened whisper) Miss Comp- 
ton, there's bad business going on here. 

Joanna — (alarmed) What do you mean? 

Bowers — There's burglars in the house. 

(Joanna suppresses a scream.) 



56 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Joanna — (fearfulhj) Bowers, how do you know? 

Bowers — {looking around cautiously) There's one 
came in this afternoon. Said he knew Miss Alden. He 
was dressed in overalls and I suspicioned right away he 
was a burglar, but Miss Alden said it was all right. 

Joanna — But what made you think he was a burg- 
lar? 

Bowers — (mysteriously) When I was showing him 
to a room he wanted me to help him rob a bank tonight. 

Joanna — Bowers! (Suppresses a scream.) 

Bowers — That's what he did, Miss. And that ain't 
all. 

Joanna — (extremely nervous) No? 

Bowers — He's got his accomplices in the house now. 

Joanna — Accomplices ! 

Bowers — Two of them and maybe more. I saw two 
of them on that stairway just a few minutes ago, sneak- 
ing down real softlike. 

Joanna — (edging away to door R. C, her eyes wide 
with fright) You did! How did they look? 

Bowers — They were villainous looking characters. 
Before I could hide they saw me and ran upstairs again. 

Joanna — But, Bowers, why didn't you run after 
them and capture them? 

Bowers — (embarrassed) Well — ahem — I thought it 
best to report the matter first. 

Joanna — Have you told Aunt Marie or Betty? 

Bowers — No, Miss, you were the first one I sav/. 

Joanna — Then we must tell them at once and not- 
ify the police. 

(Exeunt Joanna and Boivers, R. C, quickly.) 
(After a pause, Larry looks in cautiously, L. Whis- 

pers to Freddie, "It's all right." Enter Frediie and> 

Larry, both dressed in overalls.) 

Freddie — (tvith sigh of relief. In audible whisper) 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 57 

Lord, I thought we were done for when that butler saw 
us on the steps. Now, how are we going to get out of 
here? 

Larry — There's a back exit out that way I believe. 

Freddie — Wonder where all the rest v/ent to all of 
a sudden. George! Suppose one of them should come- 
in now. 

Larry — It wouldn't be a bit worse than being 
caught at that bazaar tonight with two dollars and a half 
in your pockets. 

Freddie — Whew! Didn't it make your head swim 
to hear them talking about fifty-dollar chances, ten-dol- 
lar shows and twenty-five dollar donations? I knew right 
then it was no place for a man with two dollars and fifty 
cents. ' *j(j 

Larry — Well, it's an ill wind that blows nobody 
good. Bob Quentin is going to spend some money to- 
night. 

Freddie — -That fellow must have discovered a gold 
mine. See how airily he handed Joanna that twenty-five 
dollar donation. George! You could have knocked me 
over with a feather. 

Larry — Well, let's get out of here. 

(Just as Freddie and Larry are about to leave, Rob- 
ert creeps in softly, L., also dressed in overfalls. Robert 
sees them and they see him simultaneously. Robert 
drops 'panic-stricken behind settee and Freddie and Lar- 
ry try to hide behind easy chair, R. They crouch con-> 
cealed for a few moments in breathless silence, then 
slowly and simidtaneously all raise their heads cautious- 
ly. Looks of consternation overspread faces of all.) 

Robert — (rising quickly, dumfounded) Freddie — 
Larry — what the devil — 

Larry and Freddie — (thunderstruck) Bob Quen- 
tin! 

(All three come quickly down C. This scene should 
be in excited ivhispers.) 



58 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Robert — What in thunder are you fellows up to? 

Larry — What are yon up to? 

Robert — It's a case of either get away from here 
or go to the poorhouse with me. So I decided to take 
French leave. 

Freddie — That's why we're leaving. Larry and I 
have exactly six dollars and fifty cents between us. 

Robert — How are you going? 

Larry — Any way. Just to get away. No passen- 
ger trains tonight. 

Robert — Let's go down and grab a nice cozy box 
car. 

Freddie — But how are you going to explain to the 
girls later? 

Robert — I don't know. I only know it's necessary to 
leave and to leave quickly. 

Larry — Whew! Did you ever see a spending orgy 
like this one? A week in this pla^e would send old Croe- 
sus himself to the Old Folks Home. 

Robert — Come on, fellows. Let's get out while the 
going's good. 

(All three start cautiously for door R. Suddenly 
Bowers and Kent enter R. C. Kent switches on light, 
then seizes Freddie by arms from behind. Bowers 
seizes Robert and pinions his arms. Freddie drops fran- 
tically behind settee L.) 

Bowers— (triumphantly) Ha, my bold bank rob- 
ber. I've got you this time. (Calls aloud.) Miss Comp- 
ton, we got 'em. We got all three of 'em. 

(Betty, Joanna and Martha enter R. C, hurriedly.) 

Kent — (in astonishment, as he sees Larry's face) 
Why, Larrj''! 

Joanna — (Runs up to Robert, who is still held fimv- 
ly by Boivers.) Why, Robert! 

Betty — (as Freddie slowly and sheepishly emerges 
from behind setee) Why Freddie! 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 59 

(Dramatic pause.) 

Bowers — {triumphantly) I got him. This here one's 
the ringleader. I knew he was a desperate one the first 
time I saw him. 

Kent — {endeavoring to suppress a smile) Bowers, 
you may release Mr. Quentin. 

Bowers — Don't you think we better tie him up first ? 
He's a desperate one. 

Kent — Release him. {Bowers does so reluctantly.) 
Bob, Larry, Freddie — what in thunder does this mean? 

Robert — (Looks pathetically at Freddie and Larry 
for help. Gulps nervously.) Why, you see — you see — 
it was this way. (Looks at Kent appealing, who sup- 
presses a swile.) I — ^we — Freddie and Larry. Larry, 
you tell them. 

Larry — No, no. You tell them. 

Martha — (suddenly) Oh, Mr. Quentin, did you 
think this was a masquerade affair? 

Freddie — (breathlessly) Masquerade! That's it! 

Larry — (fervently) That's it. We thought it was 
a masquerade affair, didn't we Bob? 

Robert — (wiping beads of perspiration from fore- 
head) Yes. We — we thought it was a masquerade. 
CURTAIN 

ACT in. 

SCENE ONE 

Scene — Same as Act L Fire is burning in firepUice 
R. Couch iS'draivn slightly R., nearer to fire. Arm chair 
is L. 

Time — One month later. Afternoon. 

(Discovered: Larry seated on couch. Enter Oscar, 
follmved by Freddie, L. C. Exit Oscar.) 

Freddie — {coming quickly down C.) Larry, have 
you heard the latest about Bob Quentin? 

Larry — Well, I know he's three hundred dollars 



60 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



short in his budget, and is doing everything short of 
murder trying to raise it. What's his latest? Counter- 
feiting ? 

Freddie — Worse than that. He had seven hundred 
dollars saved and instead of leaving well enough alone, he 
sank the whole seven hundred dollars in one of the worst 
speculations on the market — Texoma Oil. 

Larry — (rising quickly) Texoma Oil! {Whistles.) 
Has the man gone crazy? 

Freddie — I believe it. That stock has been drop- 
ping for the past two months. He told me he bought a 
week ago at three and a half. 

Larry — What is it selling for now? 

Freddie — Two and a half at the close of the market 
yesterday. 

Larry — So he's lost two hundred dollars already. If 
he had taken a college course in extravagance he couldn't 
have found a quicker way of losing his money than that. 
Did you see him? How did he look? 

Freddie — George! I never saw anyone look so sick 
in all my life. 

Larry — What's the matter with Joanna lately? At 
first she was doing her best to make him lose the money, 
and within the past two weeks she's helping him win. 

Freddie — Just exercising her prerogative to change- 
her mind. You can't tell about these women. Today, 
she'll probably be on our side again. 

(Enter Joanna, R. C.) 

Larry — (quickly) Joanna, did you know Bob Quen- 
tin's six months will be up in a few days, and that he's 
short? 

Joanna — (bristling) Who told you he's short? 

Larry — He did himself. Told Freddie. Didn't he, 
Freddie? 

FREDDIE: — And that isn't all. He has taken seven 
hundred dollars that he had saved and sunk it into one 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 61 

of the wildest speculations on the market — Texoma Oil. 

Joanna — {hotly) I'll have you understand, Fred- 
die Foster, that Bob Quentin bought that stock at my 
suggestion. 

Freddie — (taken aback) At your suggestion! 

Larry — {eagerly) Then you are still on our side? 

Joanna — {scathingly) On your side? 

Larry — Yes, I see it all now. You told him to buy 
that stock, knowing it was no good, in order to make his 
failure doubly sure. 

Freddie — {admiringly) By Jove, Joanna, that was 
smart of you. 

Joanna — {scathingly) My, aren't you bright? 

And didn't the city of New York lose a couple of Sher- 
lock Holmes when you decided to peddle bonds? I've 
known Bob Quentin was short ever since the Charity 
Bazaar. (Siveetly.) You rem.ember the Charity Bazaar 
do you not? 

Larry — {hastily) Yes, yes, I remember — er — is 
Betty in? 

Joanna — {siveetly) Do you know, you didn't seem 
to be having a good time at all that night. Both of you 
looked rather — er — ^apoplectic, as though you had been 
eating green apples or something. Didn't Aunt Marie's 
dinner agree with you that evening? 

Freddie — {nervously) I'm afraid Betty isn't in. 
Don't you think we had better be going, Larry? 

Joanna — Oh, don't be in a hurry. It's so refresh- 
ing to talk to you boys. It's as good as a walk into the 
country in spring, when everything's so fresh and green. 
(Freddie and, Larry make hurried move.) Oh, must you 
be going? Betty sent me in to entertain you. Can't you 
stay? 

Larry — (iviping qjerspiration) Oh, no. I left some- 
thing out in the car that I need. I'll be back later. Per- 
haps Freddie will stay. 

Freddie — (hastily) Oh, no. I can't stay, either. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



I — I left something in my car, too. I'lU be back later. 
(Starts for door L. C.) 

Joanna — I'm sorry, (suddenly.) Oh, by the way. 
(Freddie and Larry stop inquiringly.) Our younger set 
is thinking of giving a Charity Bazaar some time this 
month. Won't you boys — (Freddie and Larry make 
frantic exit, L. C. Joanna laughs merrily.) 

(Enter Martha, R. C.) 

Martha — Joanna, Miss Compton would like to 
speak to you for a few moments. 

Joanna — (dramatically) I came, I saw, I con- 
quered. I have met the enemy and they are mine. 

Martha^ — (amused) What enemy? 

Joanna — Oh, Freddie and Larry. They were con- 
gratulating themselves over Bob's failure when I came 
in. I casually mentioned Charity Bazaar and they re- 
treated in disorder. (Joanna laughs. Exit R. C.) 

(Enter Oscar, L. C.) 

Oscar — (looking around and then coming doion C.) 
So, our high-toned friend, Mr. Quentin, didn't win the 
hundred thousand dollars, eh? 

Martha — (coldly) Mr. Quentin does not know 
whether he has won or not. The time has not yet ex- 
pired. 

Oscar — Oh, no. There's a couple days left yet. But 
I reckon he's done for. (Snceringly.) I noticed as how 
you seemed to bs considerable interested in havin' him 
win. 

Martha^ — Mr. Quentin and Miss Compton have done 
me many favors. I wanted to see him win for that rea- 
son. 

Oscar — (sarcastically) Gratitude, eh? Of course, 
it wasn't 'cause you're in love with him. 

Martha — (Turns upon him quickly, with flashing 
eyes. In voice low and tense with feeling.) Mr. Heit- 
man, since you have been working for Miss Compton, I 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 63 

have borne many insults from you because you have it in 
your power to make it unpleasant for my mother. I have 
borne your taunts and insults until patience has ceased 
to be a virtue. Today you have gone too far. You have 
insulted a man so infinitely your superior that you are 
not fit to tie his shoe lace. If I should tell him what you 
have said to me today he would throw you out of this 
place like an animal. 

Oscar — (grimly) Then I reckon you'd better not 
tell him. I got a letter from Pa yesterday, saying he 
thought it was about time to collect that note. If you 
wouldn't act so uppish and snubbish I might git him to 
let it go for awhile yet anyhow. 

Martha — I have told you that any familiarity be- 
tween us is impossible. As soon as Mother has recovered 
sufficiently to dispense with the doctor, I shall pay off the 
note in installments. 

(Bell rings off stage L. C.) 

Oscar — (sneeringly) We'll see how you talk next 
month at this time. I didn't tell you all Pa wrote, but I 
reckon you'll find out. (Exit L. C.) 

Martha — {Sits, with tired sigh.) Oh, that thousand 
dollar note! It has hung over me like Damocle's sword, 
ever since I started to work! 

{Enter Robert L. C.) 

Robert — {coming down) Well, Miss Alden, our six 
months expire in a few days now. I'm afraid we're 
licked. 

Martha — {sadly) Then buying that Texoma did no 
good ? 

Robert — I haven't phoned for the figures today, but 
no doubt it's still going down. {Sits.) 

Martha — Isn't it hard to lose after trying for six 
long months? 

Robert — {tcryly) That Charity Bazaar is what 
hroke my budget. If I had only stayed away from there 
that night ! 



64 Wrecldng Robert's Budget 

Martha — Just how much did you spend? 

Robert — {ruefully) One hundred and seventy-five 
dollars. I was never so popular in all my life. Every 
girl in the place who was selling anything knew me, and 
I had to buy from all of them. I had to send a truck 
down the next morning to get all of the stuff I had 
bought. 

Martha — And Joanna helped matters along, too. 

Robert — Yes. There were a number of girls there 
that I didn't know. Joanna made it her particular bus- 
iness to see to it that I had an introduction to them and 
that I bought from all of thein. I bought ever}i;hing. 
{Sighs.) I bough four spair of ladies' silk hose from 
somebody. (Grins reminiscently.) But I wasn't the only 
one who was hard hit. I thought Larry and Freddie 
would go off into a fit any moment. Kent finally came 
to their rescue. 

Martha — What was the cause of the sudden change 
in Joanna? A month ago she was doing everything in 
her power to make you lose, and now she is helping you 
win. 

Robert — I whispered a wonderful secret into her 
ear. A secret that I can't tell you. 

Martha — Will I know — ever? 

Robert — (doumcast) I don't know. If we had won, 
I intended telling you. But now that we've lost — -well, it 
would do no good. 

Martha — (Rises.) I'm afraid Oscar didn't tell 
Miss Compton that you are here. I'll let her know. 

Robert — (Rises.) It's Joanna I want this time. Do 
ycu think we'll be able to find her? 

Martha — (starting unth Robert to door R. C.) I 
think we'll find her in the library. 

(Exeunt Robert and Martha R. C. Enter Kent and 
Betty R.) 

Betty — (looking around surprised) Kent, didn't 
Oscar say Bob was here? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 65 

Kent — Yes, I suppose he's around somewhere. He'll 
find you if he is. 

(Betty and Kent sit on couch.) 

Betty — (rather tired) Kent, I have some bad news 
to tell you. 

Kent — (Turns to her quickly and seizes her hand. 
Voice loib' and husky ivith emotion.) Betty, you — you 
aren't engaged? 

Betty — No, Kent, it's not that. 

Kent^ — (leans head back on couch; closes eyes ivith 
overpoicering sense of relief.) Betty, you gave me an 
awful scare. 

Betty — (softly) Kent, do you care — that much? 

Kj;nt — (recovering urith an effort) Don't mind me, 
Betty, tell me your news. 

Betty — I told you some time ago that Father had 
sold a number of notes and securities that he held for 
forty thousand dollars. 

KenT: — rYes, I remember. 

Betty — (tired) Father used this money in a last 
desperate effort to recoup his lost fortune, and — lost all 
of it. 

Kent — (staggered) Betty, you don't mean it! 

Betty — (sadly) So, Kent, your splendid sacrifice 
went for naught. (Pause.) 

Kent — (very low) My sacrifice? 

Betty — (softly) Yes, your sacrifice. I've known 
for a month that it was you who bought those notes of 
Dad's, and paid more than double what they were worth. 

Kent — (avoiding her eyes) How — did you find out? 

Betty — I knew there was only one man in the world 
who would do a thing like that for us. 

Kent — (suddenly) Betty, you and I had a talk 
about Bob Quentin some time a-go. You remember, I 
asked you whether you would marry him if he had one 
hundred thousand dollars? 



66 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Betty — Yes. 

Kent — If Bob Quentin came to you today with one 
hundred thousand dollars, v/ould — would you marry 
him? 

Betty — {quietly) Why do you ask? 

Kent — {huskily) Because — because — well, listen. 
Six months ago an uncle of Bob's agreed to make a con- 
veyance of one hundred thousand dollars to him, condi- 
tional upon his saving a thousand dollars in six months. 
Betty, the six months will expire in a few days. Bob is 
short several hundred dollars. If it is made possible for 
him to win, will you m.arry him? 

Betty — {quietly) Do you want me to marry him? 

Kent — {in voice husky with emotion) I want to see 
you happy. 

Betty — Kent, do you remember Longfellow's 
"Courtship of Miles Standish," how Standish fell in love 
with Priscilla and sent John Alden to propose to her for 
him? Do you remember what Priscilla told John? {Looks 
down.) 

Kent — {staggered) Why, it was — {Dramatic 
pause.) 

Betty — {Rises, turns partly away from him.) "Why 
don't you speak for yourself, John?" 

Kent— {Rises quickly, trembling with emotion.) 
Betty! 

Betty — {Still partly turned aivay from him. Very 
low.) Kent, you made me do it. 

Kent — {huskily) Betty, is this charity? 

Betty — Yes, on your part. You have everything, 
and I — nothing. 

Kent — But you — you don't love me. 

Betty — Kent, I've been in love with you for years, 
and didn't know it. Five months ago I discovered the 
fact. I didn't say anything, because — 

Kent — {low) Because what? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 67 

Betty — (drops head) Because — I was afraid you 
might have changed. 

Kent — (taking her into his arnns and looking pas- 
sionately down into her eyes) Betty — can the leopard 
change his spots? 

(Freddie and Larry enter L. C. When they see Bet- 
ty in Kent's arms they stop thunderstruck.) 

Freddie — (shocked) Betty! (Kent and Betty turn, 
startled.) 

Larry — (Comes down. Furiously.) Kent Varna- 
day, what does this mean? 

Kent — {ha/ppily) It means that congratulations 
are in order. 

Freddie — (unbelievingly) Betty, you aren't going 
to marry Kent? 

Betty — (smiling up at Kent) I'm afraid I am. 

(Freddie and Larry throw themselves upon couch. 
Sit with heads between their hands, pictures of utter de^ 
jection.) 

Larry — (pathetically) Betty, I thought you were 
going to marry us. 

Betty — (consolingly) But I couldn't marry both 
of you. That's why I took Kent. 

Freddie — (pathetically) But who am. / going to 
marry now? 

Kent — (smiling at Betty) Well, now, there's Jo- 
anna — 

Freddie — {looking quickly around in fright) Ye 
gods ! Joanna ! And have her talking Charity Bazaar 
to me the rest of my life! 

KENT: — (Aside.) Keep this a secret, will you, boys? 

{Enter Martha, Joanna, and Robert, R. C.) 

Joanna — What's the matter, Larry; another one of 
your grandmothers die? 

Larry — (dismally) I think I'm going to die. 



68 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



ROBERT^ — Well, for goodness sake, don't die around 
here. 

{Betty sits in arm chair left. Kent is on her left, 
and Roh&rt and Martha oyi her right. Joanna sits de- 
murely between Freddie and Larry on coiich, who edge 
as far atvay from her as 'possible. Joanna talks sweetly 
to them in an undertone.) 

Betty — {to Robert) Bob, Kent told me about the 
fortune you are trying to win. I'm sorry you are losing. 

Robert — {ruefully) Thanks, Betty. If Providence 
intended me for a failure, I'm living up to wildest expec- 
tations. 

Kent — So you really ai^e losing, Bob? 

Robert — Yes. I made a last desperate effort a week 
ago, when I bought some Texoma stock. Of course it's 
been going down ever since. Wait — I'll call up right 
now and let you know how I stand. {Goes up stage, picks 
up receiver and calls.) John 2437. 

Joanna — (Rises with hopeless sigh.) Well, I don't 
know what happened to you boys ; but I hope, that what- 
ever it was, it won't happen again. 

Robert — (at phone) Hello. This is Bob Quentin 
talking. "•• ''•' What's that? You've been trying to 
reach me all afternoon? Now what is the trouble? * 
■" {Look of amazement overspreads his face. Sho^its 
into phone.) SAY THAT AGAIN ! •=• ■■• (Drops re- 
ceiver with a crash ;tvr7is dazedly and grasps table for 
support.) 

Martha — (Rushes up stage, frightened) Mr. Quen- 
tin, is — is something wrong? 

(All except Freddie and Larry rush upstage and 
bring Robert doion betiveen them.) 

Kent — (excitedly) What is it, Bob? 

Robert — (coming out of daze) It's — it's that Tex- 
oma stock. 

Joanna — {in trcruendcus excitement) Yes, yes — 
what about it? 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 69 



Betty — {excitedly) What's wrong with it? 

Robert — They sold my stock a half hour ago, at — 
five and a quarter! 

Martha — {staggered) Five and a quarter! 

Kent — Bob, are you dreaming? 

Robert — (passing hand ovei- forehead) I — I think 
I am. 

Joanna — (figuring rapidly) Two hundred shares 
at five and a quarter. Why — • (Shouts.) why, that makes 
one thousand- and fifty dollars! 

Robert — (dazed) Joanna, are — are you sure that 
makes one thousand and fifty? 

Joanna — (excitedly) Yes. Here, figure it for your- 
self. 

Robert — I'll take your word for it. I can't figure 
— now. 

Kent — (Jieartihj) Bob, old boy, you've won. Ac- 
cept my congratulations. (Grabs Bob's hand.) 

Betty — (eyithusiastically) And, mine, too. I'm so 
glad. 

Martha — (modestly) And mine. 

Joanna — Oh, Bob, I'm so glad. (Throios arms im- 
pulsively around Bob and kisses him.) 

Larry — (thrmving up both hands) I'm glad / did- 
n't win that hundred thousand. 

Robert — (unable to believe it) And I really won 
one hundred thousand dollars? 

Betty-^So it seems, Bob. 

Robert — Gee! What will I buy first — the State of 
New York or the Atlantic Ocean? 

Joanna — The first thing you will buy will be the- 
ater tickets to the 'best show in the city, to celebrate. 

Robert — You bet I will, Joanna. And w^e'U go to 
Delm.onico's after that. And the. next night we'll go to 
another show, and the next night — 

Kent — (laughing) Wait a minute. Bob. I know 



70 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

a better way than that to get rid of your money. We'll 
all go to a Charity Bazaar. (All except Freddie and 
Larry laugh.) 

Joanna — (Turns.) Does that meet with your ap- 
proval, Freddie and Larry? 

Robert — (with fervent sigh of relief) Just think; 
I won't have to look at Mirandy's art gallery any more; I 
won't have to eat doughnuts for breakfast, lunch and 
dinner any more; I won't have to shine my shoes any 
more. The millenium has come. 

Betty — (chidingly) Martha, you knew about this 
all the time and didn't tell me. 

Martha — It was to be a surprise for you. 

Larry — (sarcastically) And, now it's going to be 
a surprise on Bobbie. 

Robert — It was Miss Alden who made it possible 
for me to win. George ! You people can't begin to real- 
ize the number of embarrassing situations I've been in 
since this thing began, but Miss Alden always managed 
to pull me through somehow. (Ruefully.) Why, I've 
gone to five dollar theaters, ten dollar operas, and fifty 
dollar suppers with twenty-five cents in my pocket. 

Joanna — (smiling at Freddie and Larry) And, do 
you remember the Charity Bazaar, when you and Fred- 
die and Larry — (Exeunt Freddie and Larry, frantically, 
R. C. Joanna laughs merrily.) 

(Telephone rings. Martha ansivers it in undertone.) 

Martha — (Turtis.) It's for you, Mr. Varnaday. 

Kent — (excuses himself and goes upstage to phoyie) 
Thank you. Miss Alden. (Talks in undertone in phone.) 

Robert — When are my six months up. Miss Alden? 

Martha — In four days. You really will not have 
won until the time has expired. 

Kent — (coming down) I'm sorry, but I'll have to 
leave for Philadelphia at once. 

Betty — (disappointed) Oh, Kent. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 71 



Kent — I'll not be gone over a day or two. (Aside, 
to Betty.) Will you drive down to the station with me, 
Betty? 

Betty — (quickly) Yes. (Betty rises and she and 
Kent move toioard door L. C.) 

Kent — Good-bye, everybody. I'll be back in a day 
or two. Hold off that celebration, Bob, until I return, 
will you? 

Robert — You bet I will, Kent. And it's going to be 
soTne celebration. 

(Exeunt Kent and Betty, L. C.) 

Joanna — Well, Bob, how does it feel to have one 
hundred thousand dollars? 

Robert — I don't know, Joanna, I'm still numb from 
the shock. 

Joanna — Remember what you promised me some 
time ago, if you won that money. (Starts for door R. 
C.) I'll go in and see if Freddie's and Larry's feelings 
are hurt. I'll be right back. (Exit R. C.) 

(Telephone rings. Martha ansivers it.) 

Martha — (Into phone) Hello. (Pause.) This is 
Miss Alden speaking. (Pause. Martha's face assumes 
frightened expression. In trembling voice.) Oh, Mr. 
Osting, they can't mean it. When — when do they intend 
to foreclose? (Pause.) Tomorrow. And they want five 
hundred dollars? No — I — I — don't think I can, but I 
will hurry home at once. (Replaces receiver and stands 
beside phone with head boioed in utter iveariness.) 

Robert— ^( Comes quickly to her sidej^ Sympathet- 
ically.) Martha, there is something wrong. Can I do 
something for you? 

Martha — (in loiv voice) No. It's some trouble we 
are having at home. You can do nothing. Would you 
mind asking Miss Compton to come here for a moment ? 

Robert — (Takes her hand. Softly.) You are sure 
there is nothing I can do? 



72 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Martha — Nothing, 

Robert — I'm sorry. I'll send Betty and Joanna in. 
(Exit quickly R. C.) 

(Martha comes down stage and sinks ivearily on the 
couch. Enter Joanna, quickly, R. C.) 

Joanna — {coming quickly doivn and sitting beside 
Martha. Takes her hand.) Martha, what has happened? 

Martha — I hiust 'go horns at once, Joanna. Oscar 
Heitman's father has a thousand dollar note against our' 
home, and tomorrow afternoon, unless five hundred dol- 
lars are paid, they intend to foreclose and eject mother, 

Joanna — (horrified) Martha, you don't mean it! 

Martha — So I must hurry home at once. Do you 
think Miss Compton will care? 

Joanna — (sympathetically) Of course not. Betty 
took Kent down to the station, but I will tell her as soon 
as she comes back. 

Martha — Then I will go at once. 

Joanna — But Martha, what are you going to do? 
Can you raise the money to stop them? 

Martha — (sloivly) I don't know. 

Joanna — Let me ask Father. He may be able to 
do something. 

Martha— No, Joanna, your father is penniless, too, 
now. I would have asked him before, but not now. 

Joanna — But you can't let them put her out. When 
are they going to do it? ]; if|||| 

Martha— Some time tomorrow afternoon. That 
will give me tomorrow morning in which to try to raise 
it. {Goes sloivly to door R.) I'll — I'll get my things 
ready to go, (Exit R.) 

(Enter Robert quickly R. C.) 

Robert — {quickly) Joanna, won't you tell me what 
the ti'ouble is? 

Joanna — (sadly) I'm afraid that Martha wouldn't 
want you to know. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 73 



Robert — Please tell me, Joanna. I may be able to 
do some'thing. 

Joanna — Martha's mother is to be ejected from her 
home tomorrow, because she is unable to pay five hun- 
dred dollars on a mortgage. 

Robert — (shocked) Ejected! Why, Martha told 
me her mother is ill. 

Joanna — ^She is. She's under a doctor's care now. 

ROBERT^ — Good heavens! And yet, they are going 
to eject her? 

Joanna — Yes. 

Robert — (quickly) Has Martha any way of raising 
the money? 

Joanna — I think not. She is going to try tomor- 
row, but I can tell from the way she looked that she has- 
n't any hope. 

Robert — Then, Joanna, ive have to do something. 

Joanna — I suggested that father might be able to 
help her, but she wouldn't think of it. 

Robert — (Thinks fast. Suddenly.) Kent — Kent 
Varnaday. 

Joanna — (shakes head sadly) You know she could- 
n't accept help from a man. And besides he just left 
for Philadelphia. 

Robert— But somebody must help her. (Walks 
back and forth quickly, thinking fa^t. Stops suddenly. 
Seizes Joanna by the arm.) Joanna, by George! I for- 
got all about it. I've got a thousand dollars. 

Joanna — (quickly) But Robert, you can't think of 
using that. You will lose all of the hundred thousand if 
you do. 

Robert — (eagerly) I don't care if I do. Martha 
needs five hundred dollars more right now than I will 
ever need those thousands. 

Joanna — (aived at the magnitude of the sacrifice) 
But Bob — a hundred thousand dollars ! 



74 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Robert — But don't you see — Martha needs it? 
Martha, needs it now. She helped me, and now I'm not 
going to desert her. 

Joanna — (shakes head) She wouldn't accept it 
from you. 

Robert — (disappointed) By George, I never 

thought of that. 

Joanna — Anyway, Bob, it's too big a sacrifice. 

Robert — (suddenly) I've got it. We'll make her 
think you're lending it to her. 

Joanna — But Martha knows I haven't a cent. 

Robert — Tell her anything. Tell her you stole it — 
anything. Only make her believe it's your money. 
(Pleadingly.) You'll do it, won't you, Joanna? 

Joanna — But you haven't the money with you. 

Robert — (quickly) No, we can't give it to her to- 
day, but tomorrow morning Fill get the proceeds of the 
sale of that stock as early as possible, and then I'll bring 
it out to you. 

Joanna— But Martha will be gone then. 

Robert — I want you to catch the first train in the 
morning and take it out to her. 

Joanna — (thinking quickly; then, suddenly) Bob, 
I'll do it. 

Robert — (taking both her hands in his) Good old 
scout, Joanna. You know how I feel about this thing, 
don't you? I just can't think of anybody else doing this 
for Martha but myself. 

Joanna — (awed) And Bob, it's such a wonderful 
such a tremendously wonderful thing to do. 

Robert — But Joanna, nothing — nothing is too won- 
derful for a girl like Martha. 

CURTAIN 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 75 



SCENE TWO 

Scene: Living room in Mrs. Alden's cottage in the 
country. A tastefully, but not elaborately furnished 
room. Doors Right, Left and Center. Fireplace withl 
fire burning R. Rocker in front of fireplace. Settee L. 
A smMl library table C, with sewing basket, books, table 
lamp, etc. Window with simple drapenes R. and L. of 
door C. C^iairs upstage. Other simple furniture should 
be used as necessary. Bricabrac on mantle. This scene 
should convey the impression of the home of a refined 
family in straightened circumstances. 

Time: One month later. The night before Thanks- 
giving. 

(Discovered: Mrs. Alden, a delicate, refined lady of 
fifty sitting in rocker before fire. Martha is kneeling 
beside her rocker with her head bowed and resting upori 
the arm of the rocker. Mrs. Alden is sympathetically 
stroking her hair.) 

Mrs. a. — (softly) You agreed to help him win 
Betty Compton? 

Martha — (very low) Yes. 

Mrs. a. — When you cared for him yourself? (Mar- 
tha's head droops lower.) That was like my little Mar- 
tha. 

Martha — (raising a tear-stained face to her moth- 
er) Oh, but Mother, the joy of helping him! Three or 
four times a week he came to me for advice and help, 
when it seemed the world was leagued against him to 
make him spend money. How many sleepless nights did- 
n't I spend planning and praying for the success of his 
plans. (Drops head wearily.) 

Mrs. a. — (Stroking head tenderly) And all that he 
might marry Miss Compton? 

Martha — Mother, I didn't think of the future. I 
lived in the glory of the present. And, oh, Mother, it 
was wonderful! 

Mrs. A. — (softly) And — it's all over now? 



76 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Martha — All over. The six months ended a few 
days after I came home — and we won. 

Mrs. a. — And now he will marry Miss Compton? 

Martha — Yes, but I didn't stay to hear. I was al- 
most glad of the excuse to get away, for I couldn't have 
endured remaining under the same roof that harbored 
their happiness. 

Mrs. a. — (tenderly) And Miss Compton — does she 
love him, too? 

Martha — Yes. She couldn't help it. It seems that 
everybody must love him. (Silence for a 7noment.) You'll 
not mind, Mother, if I try to find v/ork in a week or two, 
will you? 1 can't bear this inactivity much longer. Per- 
haps, in time, I may become immersed in work and — 
forget. 

(Auto horn is heard off stage C, then laughter and 
gay reqmrtee as though a crowd has stopped in front of 
the house. Martha and her mother look at each other in- 
quiringly.) 

Martha — (rising quickly) Mother, that's Joanna 
Compton's voice. 

Mrs. A. — (rising) Martha, they're coming to see 
you. 

Martha — (hurrying to ivindoiv C, and peering 
out) Yes, it is. Betty Compton, Joanna and several 
others. 

Mrs. a. — (Hurries rather feebly to door L.) Mar- 
tha, you go out and meet them. They have come such a 
long way they must be nearly frozen. I'll prepare some- 
thing warm for them to drink. 

(Martha continues peering out of ^vindoiv. Then, 
as she realizes Robert is not in the crowd, she drops cur- 
tain sadly.) 

Martha — (Boivs head sadly.) He, — he didn't come. 
(Exit slotvly C.) 

(Sound of noisy greeting off stage C. Enter Joanna, 
Betty, Martha, Kent, Freddie and Larry, all in jolly 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 77 



mood. All are bundled up as though having come a long 
way.) 

Betty— Oh, Martha, we had such a pleasant ride 
out. I wish you could' have been with us. 

J OA-NN A— (enthusiastically) It was wonderful! I 
was sitting between Freddie and Larry and we talked 
about the Charity Bazaar all the way out. Instead of a 
hundred miles it seemed like about ten miles to me. 

Freddie — (scowling) It seemed like a thousand 
miles to me. 

Martha— It was good of you to come. Please take 
off your wraps and make yourself comfortable. 

Kent— We can't stay, Martha. Aunt Caroline lives 
a short distance from here, and she invited us to spend 
Thanksgiving with her. 

Betty And you, Martha, are included in that invi- 
tation. We stopped to pick you up and carry you off with 
us. (Martha starts to object.) Now, no refusals will 
be accepted. 

Joanna— (putting arm around Martha pleadingly) 
Do come, Martha. You don't know how badly I want to 
talk to you. (With air of injured childhood.) Since you 
left, nobody talks to me any more. Betty and Kent are 
always busy; Robert doesn't come very often, and — 

Larry— (asifZe) So she always talks Charity Bazaar 
with us. 

Martha— I'm sorry, but Mother isn't well. I can't 
go and leave her. 

Joanna— Where is your mother, Martha? I want 
so much to meet her again. 

M.AKTJIA— (indicating left) She's in the kitchen 
preparing something warm for you to drink. 

Joanna— (Throivs off hat and hastily divests her- 
self of her coat.) You people can go where you want to. 
I'm going to stay here. (Exit eagerly L.) 

Betty Tell your mother not to go to that trouble, 



78 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Martha. We intended to stop a few moments only. 

Martha — (hesitating) Couldn't you stay here this 
evening? I know mother would love to have you. 

Betty — (to Kent) Do you think your aunt would 
mind, Kent? 

Kent — Not in the least, if it will be no trouble for 
Martha. What do you say Freddie? 

Freddie — Is Joanna going to stay? 

Betty — (smiling) That seems to be her intention. 

Freddie — Then I'm in favor of going. 

Martha — Please stay. We would enjoy having you 
so much. 

Betty — (to Kent) Couldn't we run over first, Kent, 
and arrange with your aunt to be there later in the even- 
ing? 

Kent — Yes, we could do that. All of us will go. It 
shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes. 

Martha — But can't you drink something first? 
Mother will have it ready in a few minutes. 

Betty — No, Martha, we'll hurry back. Where's Jo- 
anna? (Calls L.) Oh, Joanna, Joanna. 

Joanna — (off stage L.) What do you want? 

Betty — (Calls.) We're ready to go. 

(Joanna enters L. She has her sleeves rolled up and 
is ivearing a large kitchen apron. She is eating a doughs 
nut.) 

Kent — (laughing) Is this your cook, Martha? 

Joanna — (independently) You people can do just 
what you like. Grandma Alden needs me to help make 
the coffee. I'm going to stay here. (Exit L.) 

Freddie — Martha, you come along, too. It's awfully 
lonesome riding in that back seat with Larry. 

Larry — Yes, Martha, you ride with us. 

Martha — I'm sorry, but I'll have to help mother. 
I'll get Joanna to go with you. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 79 

{Freddie and Larry start frantically for door C.) 

Freddie — Oh, no, don't do that. 

Larry — We'd rather be lonesome than have Joanna 
talk Bazaar to us all the way. 

Betty — {to Kent) Kent, you start the machine. 
{Aside to Kent.) I want to tell Martha something about 
{whispers) — our engagement. 

Kent — {Smiles down at her.) All right, Betty. 
We'll be back in a short time, Martha. 

{Exeunt Kent, Freddie and Larry, C.) 

Betty — {Goes over to Martha. Puts her arm around 
her.) Martha, I wanted to tell you first. 

Martha — {steeling herself) That was good of you. 

Betty — Can't you guess what it is? 

Martha^ — -{very low) It's about — about your {She 
stops, unable to go further.) 

Betty — Yes, our engagement. It happened the day 
you left. Martha, I've been so happy. 

Martha — You deserve happiness. Any man might 
be proud to have a wonderful girl like you. And you have 
found a mate of whom you can be proud. 

Betty — Thank you, Martha. I just had to tell some- 
one, and I wanted to tell you first. {Auto honks off 
stage.) But Kent is impatient. I'll tell you more about 
it when we get back, Martha. {Exit C.) 

(Martha stands where Betty left her. Utter hope- 
lessness and weaHness is depicted in her expression and 
attitude, as she now realizes the full extent of her loss. 
Then, slowly she walks over to fireplace, sinks to hen] 
knees beside rocker and rests head toearily upon arm of 
rocker.) 

Martha — {ivearily) Engaged! So it really is all 
over. 

{Enter Mrs. Alden L.) 

Mrs. a. — How long will it be before they return, 
Martha? {Sees Martha's posture, then quickly to her 



80 Wreckhig Robert's Budget 



side.) Why, Martha, what is the matter? 

Martha — {raises head ivearily) Mother, it's all 
over. Miss Compton just told me of her engagement. 

Mrs. a.— (softly) To Mr. Quentin? 

Martha — Yes, to Robert Quentin. 

{Knock is heard at door C. Martha and her mother 
look at each other inquiringly.) 

Mrs. a. — Come in. 

{Enter Oscar. Without invitation he proceeds to 
divest himself of his overcoat and throws it over a chair. 
Martha rises, stands beside her mother and waits for 
him to state the object of his visit.) 

Oscar — {lualking over to fireplace and holding his 
hands to the ivarmth.) Gitting colder out. 

Mrs. a. — To what are we indebted for the honor of 
this visit? 

Oscar — {taking a chair) I come to speak about the 
money what you owe us. 

Mrs. a. — {quietly) But, Mr. Heitman, didn't we 
agree that since we had paid half of the note you would 
not press us for the balance at the present time? 

Oscar — {insolently) Have you got a contract what 
says that? 

Martha — It was a verbal agreement. 

Oscar — Well, I changed my mind about that, 

Mrs. a.— But, Mr. Heitman, those were the" condi- 
tions under which we paid you the five hundred dollars 
— that you M'ouid carry the other five hundred dollars 
until we were better able to pay it. Does your word 
mean nothing? 

Oscar — I didn't sign nothing like that, did I? 

Martha — And you expect us to pay now? 

Oscar — I need the money. 

Martha — But don't you see. It's impossible for us 
to pay novv. Mother has been ill and it has taken all we 
saved to pay the doctor. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 81 

Oscar — Why don't you borrow it from some of your 
high-tonsd friends? ( Sneeringly.) Your gentlemen 
friends ? 

Mawtu A— (coldly) I couldn't accept help from 
them. 

Oscar — (maliciously) Then why did you accept 
help from them before? 

Martha — I didn't. It was Miss Compton who helped 
me. 

Oscar — (bluntly) Miss Compton didn't lend you 
that money. 

Martha — (quickly) What do you mean? 

Oscar— Somebody else gave her the money to give 
to you. 

Martha — (Suddenly grasping the truth, moves 
swiftly over to Oscar and looks up at him ivith horror- 
stricken eyes.) Mr. Heitman — the man who gave her 
the money — tell me — it wasn't — it wasn't — 

Oscar^ — (triumphantly) Oh, yes it was. Your high- 
toned friend — Mr. Robert Quentin. 

(Martha sta^ids stanng at Oscar ivith stricken eyes. 
Then imptdsively she hurries to L. and calls in voice 
trembling ivith emotion.) 

Martha — Joanna ! Joanna ! ! 

Joanna — (Hurries in left. Anxiously.) What is the 
matter, Martha? 

Martha — (in trembling voice) Joanna, where did 
you get that five hundred dollars you loaned us a month 
ago? 

JoannA: — : (embarrassed) Why, I — I had it. 

Martha — Joanna, did Robert Quejitin give you that 
money? (Joanna stands speechless.) Did he Joanna? 

J OAN'iSi A— (looking down) Oh, Martha, he didn't 
want you to know. 

(Martha bows her head in humiliation and shame as 
she sloivly turns away. Joanna impulsively rtins over 



82 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

to her and, places her arms around her.) 

Joanna — (pleading tearfully) Martha, you're not 
angry? Robert wanted to do it so badly. He was nearly 
wild when he heard your mother was to be ejected. You- 
're not angry, Martha? 

Martha — (very low) And he lost the hundred thou- 
sand dollars — on account of that? 

Joanna— Yes, but he didn't care ,Martha. Why, as 
soon as he heard about your trouble he wanted to lose it. 

Martha — (in voice tired and trembling) Mother, 
you — you'll not mind if I go to my room? 

Mrs. a. — (tenderly) No, honey, you go in and rest. 
Mother will come to you in a few minutes. 

Joanna — (heartbrokenly) Martha, you are angry. 
I'm sorry I did it now. 

Martha — (softly) It was all right, Joanna. You 
— you help mother for awhile. I'll be down — in a short 
time. (Exit R.) 

(Joanna looks after Martha for several moynents. 
Exit slowly L.) 

Oscar — (aivkwardly) Mrs. Alden, I don't want to 
put you and Martha out of your home. Maybe we could 
fix things up some other way. 

Mrs. a. — What other way would you suggest? 

Oscar — I always liked Martha better than the other 
girls around here. Now, I could git Pa to cancel your 
note if you could git Martha to marry me. 

Mrs. a. — (coldly) Mr. Heitman, what you suggest 
is impossible. If you will excuse me, I must go in to 
Martha. (Mrs. A. starts for door R. Oscar steps be- 
fore her, barring her exit.) 

Oscar — (furiously) So! I ain't good enough for 
you any more. (Knock is heard on door C, but neither 
one hears it.) Since your high-toned daughter's been 
working in the city, ordinary folks ain't good enough for 
her. 



Wrecking Robert's Bvdget 83 

(Enter Robert Quentin C, in overcoat. He stands 
in doorway quietly ivatching the scene before him. Neith- 
er Mrs. A. nor Oscar notices his entrance.) 

Mrs. a. — Mr. Heitman, since you cannot conduct 
yourself in a manner becoming a gentleman, will you do 
me the favor of leaving ? Until Friday, this is my home. 

Oscar — Yes, until Friday. Then I will come and 
move you and your daughter and your cheap furniture 
out in the street. When they put you in the poor house 
maybe you won't think you're such a fine lady. 

(Robert comes down C.) 

Robert — I believe I heard the lady request you to 
leave. (Both Mrs .A. and Oscar start and turn in sur- 
prise.) Would you prefer to use your own powers of 
locomotion, or shall I assist you? 

Oscar— {indolently) So it's you? Come to meddle 
in my affairs again, I suppose. 

Robert— (io Mrs. A.) Has this fellow any right 
to be here? 

Mrs. a. — He came to collect some money which will 
be due him Friday. 

Robert — (turning to Oscar ynenacingly) Then, 
what are you doing around here, today? 

Oscar — I came to make a proposition to her. 

Robert — Well, have you made it? 

Oscar — Yes, but she won't accept it. 

Robert— Since you've made your proposition, you 
have settled your business. Now, get out. 

Oscar — :But — 

Robert — (Steps in front of him menacingly.) You 
heard what I said. Get out! 

(Oscar stoically picks up his coat and hat and starts 
for door C.) 

Oscar — (turning) You can act high and mighty 
now. But wait until Friday — then it will be my turn. 



84 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Robert — You mean if you're living by Friday; for 
tomorrow I'm coming over to your place to give you a 
threshing that will make the licking we gave Germany 
seem like a game of marbles. (Slams door on Oscar.) ■ 
Good-night, Oscar, what's your hurry? 

Mrs. a. — (as Robert comes doivn) Permit me to 
thank you, sir. May I inquire your name? 

Robert — I am Robert Quentin — 

Mrs. a. — {eagerly) Not the Robert Quentin, whom 
my Martha knows? 

Robert — The same. And you are Martha's mother, 
of whom she spoke so often? 

Mrs. a. — {breathlessly) Yes. But Mr. Quentin, 
why did you not come with Mr. Varnaday and Miss 
Compton? 

Robert — I expected to do so, but was, out of town 
and did not return until after they had left. So I came 
by rail. 

Mrs. a. — (rather flustered) Take off your wraps, 
Mr. Quentin. (Robert removes overcoat, etc.) Miss 
Compton told us about the engagement. 

Robert— What engagament ? 

Mrs. a. — Your engagement to Miss Compton. You 
are to be congratulated. 

Robert — (looks at her in perplexity) My engage- 
ment to Betty Compton! Why, I'm not engaged to Miss 
Compton. 

Mrs. a. — {asto7iished) But— I — why — why. Miss 
Compton told Martha. 

RoBF.RT— ( quietly) Yes, Mrs. Alden, what did Miss 
Compton tell her? 

Mrs. a. — That you and she are to be married soon. 

Robert — (coming over to Mrs. A. and taking her by 
shoulders and looking down into her eyes) Mrs. Alden, 
does Martha believe that? 

Mrs. a. — Yes. 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 85 

Robert — {staring at her in horror) And she be- 
lieves that as soon as I won that money I proposed to 
Betty Compton and was accepted? 

Mrs. a.— Yes. 

Robert — {pleadingly) Mrs. Alden, where is Mar- 
tha? Can't I see her at once? I can't have her thinking 
that of me. 

Mrs. a. — Just a moment, Mr. Quentin. Did you 
give Joanna Compton five hundred dollars to lend to Mar- 
tha when you heard she was having trouble on a note? 

Robert — {fiercely) Who told you that? 

Mrs. a.— Is it true? 

Robert — Does Martha know? 

Mrs. a. — She found out — tonight. 

Robert— (tewse with anger) So it was that darned 
Dutchman who told her! Oh, just wait until I see him 
tomorrow. 

Mrs. a. — (laying hand on Robert's arm) Mr. Quan- 
tin, did giving Martha that money cause you to lose the 
fortune you were trying to win? 

Robert — Yes, but — 

Mrs. a. — And did losing the fortune have anything 
to do with the fact that you are not now engaged to mar- 
ry Miss Compton? 

Robert — {taking Mrs. A. by the shoulders again, 
and looking down into her eyes) Mrs. Alden, a year ago 
I thought I loved Miss Compton enough to marry her. 
But since then I met Martha, and ever since, my 
thoughts have' been of no one but Martha. When word 
came that I could win a fortune by saving a thousand 
dollars, I accepted the proposition only that I might 
some day have something suitable to offer her. It was 
for Martha that I was working to win. Then, when we 
had practically won the fight, news came of your great 
need of money for the mortgage, and I knew Martha 
needed the money more then than she would ever need it. 



86 Wrecking Robert's Budget 



Mrs. a. — (in low voice) And you were doing all 
that — for my Martha? 

Robert — (quietly) It was little enough to do for a 
girl like Martha. Anyway, it was really her money, be- 
cause without her help I never would have saved it. 
(Paiise.) You won't mind my seeing Martha, will you, 
Mrs. Alden? I — I couldn't resist coming tonight. I 
stayed away a whole month, knowing that I had nothing 
to offer her, but — but I had to come tonight. (Appeal- 
ingly.) You — you will let me see hex? 

Mrs. a. — (softly) Yes, you may see her. I'll call 
her. 

Robert — (impulsively) Martha always did say her 
mother was an angel. And Martha's judgment is un- 
questionable. 

Mrs. a. — (Goes to door R. and calls gently.) Mar- 
tha. 

Martha — (ojf stage R., softly) Yes, Mother. 

Mrs. a.— There is someone here to see you. Can 
you come down? 

Martha — (off stage) I'll be right down, Mother. 

Mrs. a. — (gently) If you would prefer to meet 
Martha alone, I'lll go in and help little Joanna. 

Robert — (gratefully) If you don't mind, I believe 
I would prefer to see her — alone. 

(Exit Mrs. A. L.) 

(Robert stands down L. in tense, expecta^it attitude, 
watching door R. His attitude and expression shotdd 
convey all that this meeting with Martha ivill mean to 
him. After a tense pause, door R. opens and Martha en- 
ters.) 

Robert — (hoarsely) Martha! 

(Martha stops as if struck. With icide, tinbelieving 
eyes, she stares at Robert, then sways and unsteadily 
grasps side of door for support.) 

Martha — (in tone so low and trembling as to be 
scarcely audible) Robert — Mr. Quentin! 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 87 



Robert — (springing to her side and taking her 
hand, and looking down into her wide, questioning eyes, 
passionately) Martha, you don't mind? I — I just had 
to come. 

Martha — -{in very loiv voice) Why — why didn't 
you come with Miss Compton? 

Robert — Why do you think I should come with Miss 
Compton? Didn't you know that she was engaged to 
Kent Varnaday? 

Martha — (stares at Robert unbelievingly) Kent — • 
Kent Varnaday! 

Robert — (softly) Yes — for a whole month. 

Martha — To Kent Varnaday? 

Robert — Yes. 

Martha — But Miss Compton said — 

Robert — What did she say, Martha? 

Martha — (looking dawn) That she was engaged 
to you. 

Robert — You misunderstood her, Martha. She told 
you she was engaged and you decided at once that she 
was engaged to me. Martha, how could you think that? 

Martha — (Turns quickly to Robert; in low trem- 
ulous voice,) Mr. Quentin, did you give Joanna five hun- 
dred dollars to lend to me a month ago? 

Robert — (quickly) Martha, let's forget about that. 

Martha — (Bows head miserably.) Oh, why did you 
do it? Why did you do it? And because of that you 
lost a hundred thousand dollars, and — (Stops.) 

Robert — (softly) And what? 

Martha — And — Betty Compton. 

Robert — Martha, all the time you were helping me 
to save that thousand dollars, did you think my main ob- 
ject was to eventually marry Betty Compton? 

Martha — (low) Yes. 

Robert — And you agreed to help me save, thinking 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 



that was my object? {Pause.) Martha, why did you do 
that? (Martha turns away to hide her face.) Tell me, 
Martha, why did you do that? 

Martha — (softly) I wanted to see you happy. 

Robert — And did it never occur to you that I might 
have some other object in winning that money? 

Martha — No. What other object could there have 
been? 

Robert — (softly) You never once thought that you 
might have something to do with it? 

Martha — {Looks at him in surprise.) I? 

Robert — (taking her haricls tenderly and looking 
passicnately doum into her bewildered eyes) Oh, Mar- 
tha, didn't you know that all my efforts to win that for- 
tune were for you? Didn't you know I was hoping and 
praying to win so that I might some day have something 
worth while to offer you? 

Martha — (tvith wide, staring eyes, voice barely 
audible) Me? For me? 

Robert — Yes, Martha, I've loved you ever since 
that night I first brought you home in the storm. Ever 
•since all my energies have been directed to make myself 
worthy of you. Martha, I haven't a thing in the world 
to offer you. I know it isn't right to tell you under the 
circumstances — but — I can't help it. 

MAWiHA—iawed; unable to comprehend) And you 
were doing that — for me? 

Robert — For you. 

Martha — You were trying to win that money for 
me? 

Robert — (softly) Yes. That was the wonderful 
secret I told Joanna. (Takes both her hands and presses 
them against his breast. Looks tenderly doivn into her 
eyes.) Martha, you do care — a little, don't you? (Mar- 
tha looks down.) Don't you Martha? 

Martha — (looking down, her voice barely audible) 
Yes. 



Wreckvng Robert's Budget 89 

(Robert takes her into his arms. Enter Joanna L. 
She stops short when she sees Robert and Martha, then 
ritshes over to them, tears them apart and throws herself 
into Martha's arms.) 

Joanna — (Joyfully.) Oh, Martha, I'll bet you're not 
angry now, are you, Martha? Oh, I'm so glad. (Tor- 
mentingly.) Did you say "yes" the first time, or did 
you make him ask you several times? 

Martha — (smiling and bhishing) I'm afraid I'm a 
terribly brazen creature, Joanna. I said "yes" the first 
time, 

Joanna — (approvingly) That's good. No use wast- 
ing any proposals. They're too scarce as it is. (Turn- 
ing to Robert accusingly.) Bob Quentin, I knew what 
you were doing in here all the time. I gave you just 
seven minutes and a half. It takes Freddie and Larry 
five minutes and a half to propose to Betty, so I gave you 
two minutes extra. 

Robert — (Grins.) Thanks, Joanna, we made good 
use of the extra two minutes. 

(Auto horn is heard off stage; then voices.) 

Martha — There is Miss Compton's party. Robert, 
will you meet them, while Joanna and I bring Mother in? 

(Exeunt Martha and Joanna, hunHedly, L. Enter 
Kent, Larry, Freddie and Betty, C.) 

Betty — (Sees Robert.) Why, Bob Quentin! 

Kent — Bob Quentin, how on earth did you get 
here? 

Freddie — (sarcastically) I didn't know there were 
any freight trains passing at this time of night. 

Robert- — Got in the city an hour late, so had to take 
the train out. Martha told me to tell you to park your 
overcoats and hats in here. (All begin to remove over- 
coats and Jiats and place them on a convenient chair.) 

(Enter Mrs. A., Martha and Joanna, L.) 

Joanna — Lunch is served. 



90 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

Martha — Mother, I want to introduce some of my 
friends whom I met in the city. This is Miss Compton, 
Mr, Varnaday, Mr. Foster and Mr. Brently. {All ack- 
nowledge' the introduction.) 

Mrs. a. — I'm so glad to meet Martha's friends. She 
has spoken of you so often that I feel I know you already. 

Betty — (warmly) And Martha has spoken of you 
so often that ws feel we know you, too. 

Mrs. a. — Now, I want you to come into the next 
room where I have prepared something warm for you to 
drink after your long ride. I know you must be nearly 
frozen. 

Joanna — (eagerly) Doughnuts and coffee. Betty, 
the best doughnuts you ever tasted. I've eaten five of 
them already. 

Kent — (quickly) Just a moment, Mrs. Alden. We 
have a surprise for Robert with us. He's outside. We 
knew Bob would come out either today or tomorrow, but 
we didn't know it would work as nicely as this. We had 
him with us the first time we were here, but we didn't 
want to produce him until Bob and Martha both were 
present. Can you guess who it is? 

Robert — (mystified) Not I. 

Kent — Then let me present to you your venerable 
uncle — Josephus J. Quentin. (Opens door dramatically 
and ushers in Keedon.) 

Robert — (astonished) My uncle, Josephus J. Quen- 
tin? 

Kent^ — (amused) Josephus J. Quentin. 

Robert — (dazed) But this isn't my uncle — this is 
— Ku KIux. 

Keedon — (Comes doivn stage C, peering over his 
glasses at Robert.) Well, my fine young reprobate of a 
nephew, how do you feel now? Didn't know I was your 
uncle did you, heh? Do you think now Ku Klux Klan is 
such a witty joke? And do you think there's any danger 
of your getting Keedon turned backwards so that it will 



Wrecking Robert's Budget &'l 



spell donkee, heh? 

Robert — (overcome) You win, uncle. I've quit 
thinking. 

Mrs. a. — We were just about to have lunch. Won't 
you come with us? 

Keedon — Business first. This young scoundrel 
looks entirely too happy. I'm going to take a little of 
that happiness out of him. 

Mrs. a. — Then we'll expect you as soon as you have 
finished. (To all.) Come along, young people. Lunch 
is waiting. 

Joanna — (to Betty in loud whisper) Betty don't 
eat more than two doughnuts. We're going to run short 

(Exeunt Betty, Joanna, Mrs. A., Kent, Larry and 
Freddie, L.) 

Martha — (to Keedon) You won't mind if I stay? 
Because — because it was all my fault. 

Keedon- — (peering at her over his glasses) Ha, a 
woman in the case. So it was all your fault. What was 
your fault? 

Martha — (softly) Robert — had the thousand dol- 
lars saved, and I — I made him spend it. 

Robert — (quickly) Martha! (Turns to Keedon 
savagely.) See here, uncle, there's no use making a long 
harangue over this thing. You made a proposition to 
me six months ago to the effect that if I saved a thousand 
dollars in six months I would receive a hundred thousand 
dollars. Well, I haven't saved the money, and that's all 
there is to it. And what's more, I don't give a hang — 

Keedon — (interrupting) Just a minute, just a min- 
ute. Sit down on that settee there. I'm here to do the 
talking — not you. 

Robert — But I tell you — • 

Keedon — Sit down, sit down. 

(Robert and Martha sit, while Keedon stands at 
their right. Martha takes Robert's hand, and they for- 



S2 Wrecking Robert's Budget 

get all about Keedon and be<)in talking softly to one an- 
other.) 

Keedon — Young feller. {Robert pays no attention 
to him, but continues tnlking softly to Martlui, ivho has 
eyes and ears for nothing else.) I had an idear when I 
first brought this matter to your attention, that you 
would make a failure of it, as you had with everything 
else. You had a chance to make good and you failed. 
Do you hear — failed? 

Robert — (to Martha, softly) You know, Martha, 
my commissions amount to only about two hundred and 
fifty a month. Do you think we could live on that? 

Martha — (happily) Oh, Robert! Two hundred and 
fifty a month? That seems like a fortune to me. 

Keedon — (Shakes finger at them) Yes, failed. And 
what was it caused you to fail? A woman. You let a 
woman trick you out of a fortune of one hundred thou- 
sand dollars. 

Robert — (softly to Martha) And we'll rent a little 
cottage out here in the country. Shall we, Martha? 

Martha — (softly) Out here? Oh, Robert, that 
will be too wonderful. 

Keedon — Do you realize what it means to lose a 
hundred thousand dollars? Did you ever stop to consider 
that the interest alone on a hundred thousand dollars 
amounts to six thousand dollars a year, or five hui-»dred 
dollars a month? Did you ever stop to consider the 
home that that would buy, and the automobile, and all 
the other things that make life pleasant? Did you ever 
think of that? 

Robert — Uncle, there's no use talking any further. 
Martha has just told me how wonderful it will be to live 
on two hundred and fifty dollars a month. So now, I 
wouldn't have your hundred thousand if you gave it to 
me. Lunch is ready in there, uncle. (Turns to Marthu 
and they continue their conversation.) 

Keedon — (bristling) You wouldn't hah? Young 



Wrecking Robert's Budget 93 

■ 

feller, I came here this evening with the intention of of- 
fering you that hundred thousand dollars, whether you 
had won it or not . I ain't going to have any young whip- 
per snapper like you refuse anything from me. And now 
just to show you, you young reprobate, that you can't 
use any high and mighty airs with your uncle, I'm going 
to see that you do take that money, and what is more, 
that you take a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in- 
stead. 

Robert — (to Martha, paying no heed to Keedon) 
Martha, you're not going to make me wait long, are you? 

Martha — (softly) Next June will be a nice time, 
don't you think Robert? 

Keedon — (furiously) I said a hundred and fifty 
thousand dollars. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars. 

Robert— (fo Martha) But June seems an awfully 
long time away, Martha. (Eagerly.) Let's make it. 
Christmas. 

Martha — Oh, Robert, I couldn't be ready by then. 

Keedon — Two hundred thousand dollars! Yofu 
young villain, I said two hundred thousand dollars. (He 
shakes Robert.) Do you hear? 

'Robert— (turning) I heard you, uncle. Have you 
got the money with you? Just lay it on the table there, 
and we'll get it right away. I — I believe they said lunch 
was ready. (Turns and continues talking to MartJia.) 

Keedon — (Looks at the two hopelessly, then throws 
up both hands in disgust.) Have you got it with you! 
Two hundred thousand dollars! Bah! (Eodt furiously 
L.) 

Joanna — (heard faintly, off stage) Robert and 
Martha — lunch is ready — doughnuts. 

CURTAIN 



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